Pro-Life Republican Can’t Wait to Get His Picture Taken With Double Murderer

SHITDICK FLATS, ILLINOIS — 42 year old non-union, out of work carpenter Marcus Palumbozo uses three terms to describe his views and opinions.

“Pro-life, Pro-God, Anti-Commie. That’s it. You could boil down my entire essence into those three things, no doubt about it,” Mr. Palumbozo told us during a recent Skype interview.

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He considers himself so staunchly pro-life that twice a month Marcus joins other congregants from his church and protests at the local Planned Parenthood. Marcus has also lobbied his local school boards to teach abstinence only sex education curriculum.

“If I’m not getting laid — and I cannot figure out why women don’t find me attractive and I assume it’s because they’re woke lesbians or whatever — then teenagers definitely should not be getting laid,” Palumbozo insisted.

Though Charlie Kirk’s TurningPoint USA conservative youth political action group isn’t aimed at people his age per se, Marcus said he recently traveled to and attended a TurningPoint conference. His main reason? The pro-life Republican was desperate to get a selfie taken with acquitted double-murderer Kyle Rittenhouse.

“I just think he perfectly encapsulates everything I love about American conservatism — white skin, an obsession with guns, and a belief that he is above reproach, recrimination, and accountability,” Marcus said. “Also, I believe in the Bible, and it’s like Jesus always said: shoot everyone you see and then laugh about it with your Proud Boy buddies and take selfies with them. It’s in there. I’m sure of it.”

Though he wasn’t able to find Rittenhouse and get a selfie taken with him, Marcus told us his trip to the conference wasn’t a total bust.

“I still made a lot of friends, learned a whole lot of new jokes with the N-word in them, and fucked a copy of the Confederate Constitution I brought with me,” Marcus said. “So, all in all, not a total waste.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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