Sen. Warren Proposes 80% ‘Billionaire Twatwaffle Tax’

WASHINGTON, D.C. — This morning, Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) unveiled legislation that would institute a new 80% tax on all all wealth accumulated by, as Warren describes them, “billionaire twatwaffles.”

“Not trying to single any one, singular billionaire twatwaffle out or anything. I’m just saying that if you have billions of dollars, your companies get billions in federal tax subsidies, and you have enough cash on hand to start launching your space dicks into the cosmos instead of opening homeless shelters, you prolly have enough money as it is,” Warren explained on MSNBC later this morning.

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Sen. Warren’s plan would take 80% of the accumulated wealth, every five years, from any and all billionaire twatwaffles living in the United States. Warren reiterated several times that this law would only apply to billionaire twatwaffles.

“Not twatwaffles who aren’t billionaires, and not billionaires who aren’t twatwaffles,” Warren said before bursting out in laughter. “Oh man, I can’t believe I tried to imply there are any billionaires who aren’t twatwaffles. Anyhow, this law is really only going to be targeted at the kinds of billionaire twatwaffles that troll non-profits over donating money to help feed the hungry.”

In order to assess which billionaires are twatwaffles and which aren’t, Warren said a system will be created, and an algorithm will be developed. However, she said that a lot of the guesswork won’t be that difficult. Billionaire twatwaffles have a way of outing themselves, Warren argued.

“Figuring out who should be subject to this new tax is not going to be all that difficult, really. Just pay attention to what they say. If a billionaire says something that makes him sound like a sociopath, odds are he needs to be taxed at this new rate. Or, alternatively, just wait for them to become public fans of The Babylon Bee. That’s become the easiest way to sort the twatwaffles from the rest of the assholes,” Warren said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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