WASHINGTON, D.C. — Though the story faded from the forefront of media coverage, several press outlets tried to confirm various elements of the now infamous Steele Dossier. Among the more salacious details was that Trump hired Russian prostitutes to perform a “golden shower” show for Trump in which the working women micturated on the same bed that President Obama had apparently slept on when he stayed in Moscow earlier.
Sources very close to the president, speaking on condition of anonymity and gift cards to Bass Pro Shops, have told the press that they can confirm Mr. Trump does indeed have a penchant for “Russian whore piss,” as one source put it so bluntly.
The source said that the president “won’t ever admit in public, of course,” but that he has and always will enjoy golden showers shows.
“They remind him of gold, which reminds him of money,” the anonymous source stated, “and he’s also really gross as a human being. So you combine all those things and, well, what you do you know? Our president loves pee-pee parties. Who knew? Besides all of us, of course. Shit. I’ve said too much again. Goodbye! Lose my number!”
Another source, who said we could only say her name rhymes with Sri Lanka, has confirmed another media rumor.Because of comments he himself has made during interviews, speculation has been rampant about whether or not Mr. Trump has sexual feelings for his daughter. Those rumors were confirmed by Sri Lanka.
“Oh yeah, that part is definitely true, believe me,” our source told us, “really, seriously. I would know if this one’s true. And it’s true. He totally wants to fuck his daughter and honestly he hasn’t shut up about it since her senior prom and she keeps telling him, ‘Eww, Daddy! That’s grody! Stop it, cut it out!’ But he never listens to her, ever, and now we’re — I mean they’re — stuck in the White House when she knew full-well he’d hate the job because it’s an actual job where he has to do shit.”
The White House declined to comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.