WASHINGTON, D.C. — At the time of publication, it’s still not quite clear how or why the subject came to the attention of the President of the United States, but regardless he’s made his opinion on the issue quite clear.
In a rambling impromptu press gathering in the White House driveway, President Donald Trump explained that he had stepped out of the building to “drop some stinky whistlers” after eating three hard boiled eggs for breakfast. While he paced about, he agreed to answers some questions from reporters, provided they “ignore the farts” and not write about them. Throughout his remarks, however, wet farts could be heard, smelled, and sadly in some cases, tasted by reporters on the scene.
“Isn’t it funny how science-tists can tell us all kinds of facts and bullshit we don’t care about,” Trump began, “but they can’t tell us why our farts are so smelly?”
It should be noted that scientists can and have already shown why flatulence has an offensive odor.
“I mean, I would think that an asshole like mine — so clean, so pure, so perfect — wouldn’t even be capable of dropping out a stinky whistler,” Trump suggested, “but even my puckered plum hole has been known to push out a squeaker from time to time.”
Right at that moment, reporters could hear what sounded like two piles of wet bologna flapping against each other in an Olympic training wind tunnel. One witness described the smell as a “terrible hybrid of rotting human flesh and old Big Macs.” Trump, however, just kept talking.
“All this asshole talk is kind of ironic, because I was just telling my gorgeous press secretary — doesn’t see look so much like by beautiful First Lady, my DAUGHTER IVANKA?! — that I had this idea,” Trump rambled, “and it has to do with her, actually. I think people in my administration get bullied a lot. They get made fun of just because they have to defend the weird shit I say, and then they end up tying themselves to the weird shit, thereby ruining their own reputations in the process.”
In order to foster more respect for his staff, Trump told the media he plans to reach out to the adult film industry’s top executives. What he’ll propose is that porn stop referring to a certain sex act as an “ATM” and instead refer to it as “Doing a McEnany.”
“There’s this thing that certain adult film actresses do,” Trump barrelled on, “and it’s called an ATM. At first, when Ivanka told me she’d do an ATM for me, I thought she was offering to give me cash. Which would be very strange considering it’s always been ME giving the cash to HER. I was all set to take her money from her, but that’s when she actually explained what an ATM is.”
For the unaware, an “ATM” stands for “Ass to Mouth” in the porn industry. In an effort to refrain from getting too graphic in our description, suffice to say that the term perfectly describes the act. In the simplest of terms, an ATM is what happens when something — anything — is removed from one actor or actress’s anus and then immediately put in their mouth.
“Who else more perfectly represents the short path from asshole to mouth than Kayleigh,” Trump asked rhetorically. “Frankly, I’ve never seen anyone get something so quickly from their ass to their mouth like Kayleigh does with her briefings. So why not honor her by changing ATM to ‘doing a McEnany’ instead? That way, maybe I get brought up, too, and you all know how much I love being the center of attention! As long as it’s NICE attention. Not nasty, mean, rude enemies of the people!”
Another flurry of farts was heard. Trump quickly excused himself. As aides hurried reporters off the White House lawn, farts could still be heard echoing up and down Pennsylvania Avenue.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.