WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Trump Administration ordered the Environmental Protection Agency to divert “as much money as possible” into researching what impact, if any, electrolytes might have on plants.
“We got a really interesting and intriguing offer from Gatorade,” President Trump announced in the Oval Office today, “and we are definitely bigly interested. Only thing is we need to do some studies to see if plants will really take to it.”
Trump explained that “some Jew-looking nerd” explained to him that Gatorade believes the electrolytes in their products are “what plants crave” and therefore would be an absolutely suitable replacement for plain water.
“They’re telling us that plants have some kind of desire for these electrolytes,” Trump said. “It’s like, what plants carve…out in their diet to want the most, or something like that.”
“Look, I have a very natural instinct for science, okay,” Trump stated. “Some say, and I don’t know why I’d ever disagree with them, really, that I’m the smartest science-tician since that Albert Einstein guy started his bagel shop with his brothers, James L. Brooks and Super Dave Osbourne.”
Mr. Trump said his instinct for science “already has [him] 99% there” on deciding to allow farmers to switch to Gatorade for their crops in order to get a large tax deduction the following year.”
“I mean, it just feels like a very sciencey and sciencetastic solution to a problem that doesn’t exist,” Trump said. “And I mean, that’s pretty much my thing — finding problems that don’t exist, like, say, Blacky McDemocrat’s entire legacy — and fixing them.”
“And by fixing them I mean creating wholly stupid solutions,” Trump said with an air of self-satisfaction. “Because that’s what geniuses do, Stupids.”
An aide whispered in Trump’s ear.
“Oh, sorry, how rude of me,” the president apologized. “My fellow stupid Americans. Is that better? Of course it is! I’M REALLY PRESIDENT FOR REALS!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.