WASHINGTON, D.C. — Yesterday, a somber President Donald Trump implored the American people to take a fifteen day timeout from their normal routine, and hunker down at home. As part of his administration’s answer to the global pandemic outbreak of the novel coronavirus, President Trump issued new guidelines to Americans, hoping to help them stem the tide of the disease that has ravaged several other countries, including many in Europe and Asia. Thus far, thousands have been hospitalized worldwide, and each day the estimates of infections among Americans rises.
Mostly, Trump’s new guidelines restated what the CDC has been urging Americans to do for a couple of weeks. If you’re sick, stay home. Wash your hands and clean surfaces frequently. However, Trump did add the new request that Americans not gather in groups of ten or more for the next fifteen days.
It’s been quite an about-face for an administration that spent the first few days of the outbreak downplaying it. Some Americans might recall President Trump and former White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney referring to the virus and the coverage of it as a “hoax.” The president acknowledged those comments today, however he threw the press a curveball, blaming the President of Puerto Rico for first calling the coronavirus a hoax, and saying he was wrong to do such a thing.
“In hindsight, I should have reigned Puerto Rico’s president in a bit. I should have pre-approved everything he said about the coronavirus,” Trump told the media as he paced around the White House lawn, waiting for a helicopter to take him to an empty nearby McDonald’s. “He’s a hot head, that President of Puerto Rico. A hot head who likes to go off half-cocked, with half-baked information. Yup, it’s that gosh-darned President of Puerto Rico everyone heard call the coronavirus a hoax, not me, and I’m going to call him when I get back from brunch at my favorite restaurant, and I’m gonna ask him to issue a formal apology, which is a bigly rare thing for him to do.”
In the past couple of days, many have noticed a stark shift in tone from not just President Trump, but his usual defenders and surrogates, as well as administration officials. Some have theorized that it’s because the stock markets have been roiled, crashing to single day losses not seen since Black Monday in 1987, or the start of the Great Recession. Others have wondered if the usual routine of blowing hot farts into his skull, where a normal human brain might reside, has been replaced with something else, and these are what the president’s actual thoughts and feelings are. Regardless of any postulation, however, Trump said he’ll be taking Puerto Rico’s president to task for initially downplaying the outbreak risks.
“I’m certainly going to give him a very good talking to. He’s clearly got some screws loose up there, that President of Puerto Rico,” Trump announced. “In fact, I was telling my good friends David Dennison and John Barron about how much I regret letting the President of Puerto Rico speak for me early on in this whole mess. Lesson learned, pussy grabbed, as they say, though. Life goes on.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.