President Trump Asks That All His Intelligence Briefings Include Small Words And Big Pictures

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The Trump presidential administration team has submitted an official request to Congress, asking that that the new President have his daily intelligence briefings modified from how previous presidents received the information. According to the request, filed by Trump’s Chief of Staff Reince Priebus, Trump requires his briefings to “have pictures.”

An excerpt of the letter sent from Team Trump to Congress, follows below:

To Whom It May Concern,

President Donald J. Trump is petitioning the various esteemed members of this body with a favor. He hopes this request will be the first in many attempts to foster teamwork and a spirit of conviviality between the Executive and Legislative branches of our government, which he assures his Republican colleagues he is still fully committed to running like a drunken clown in a dildo factory. After having given a couple of intelligence briefings, President-elect Trump has decided to request that subsequent briefings be changed so that they have pictures.

Preibus’ letter indicates that while Trump is “very tremendously super-intelligent” and “completely and totally understands the complex, multifaceted job he’s going to have to do” he is more comfortable digesting information in a “simpler, basic way.”

Mr. Trump has indicated that the presence of large, dark print and illustrations will help him focus more. He’s told me personally that he visualizes things better in his mind when he can have an artist’s rendition of what it is he’s supposed to be looking at or thinking about.

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI), told the press later he and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell were “committed to doing everything in Congress’s power” to “give our historic, first manchild president all the tools” he needs to succeed.

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“If that means drawing the briefings in Pictionary style crude drawings,” Ryan said, “that’s what we’ll do. Because we Republicans know that experience is totally overrated…now that Obama’s soon to be out of office, of course.”

One highly-placed source within the intelligence community said that while Trump’s request is “a new one” for him, that the American people shouldn’t worry too much. Every president has their own way of absorbing information, the intelligence officer said, and for some “they need it stripped down to monosyllabic phrases, guttural grunts, and apparently picture book presentations.”

“The closest we’ve ever had to a request like this,” the anonymous intelligence agent said, “is when we had to act out the briefings in short skits for President George W. Bush.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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