VALLE DE MORMÓN RACISTACALVO, TEXAS — According to those with firsthand knowledge of the situation, authorities are still desperately searching for a congressman who apparently was kidnapped by a gang of masked millennials identifying as members of a local Antifa franchise. While George Soros, known also as Emperor Antifa has not officially released a statement claiming responsibility for the incident, it’s believed that Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-The Confederacy) may have mistakenly said an ancient incantation that allows Antifa soldiers to appear anywhere they wish, and was dragged out of his bathroom kicking and screaming by five millennials clad in all black, bearing the corporate logo of Antifa on their right shoulders.
“What in the holy heckfire are we gonna do about these violent hooligan millennial Antifa,” Gohmert asked himself rhetorically. “They’re making life really difficult on the violent thugs I prefer…the white skinned ones who carry semi automatic rifles into government buildings to terrorize governors who ask them to wear face masks. PATRIOTS, in other words.”
That’s when Gohmert started to reflexively rub his shin and his mostly bald head, doing something as close to thinking as the Texas Republican could ever be mistaken for doing.
“These sonsofbitches are knocking down monuments to people I happen to like,” Gohmert continued. “Sure, they’re monuments to people who were Democrats, and I like to point out those Democrats started the KKK my dear ol’ grandpappy joined, but that’s not the point! I wanna defend them now, and still insist that we represent Abraham Lincoln’s party still!”
Gohmert pulled out his toothbrush and a tube of toothpaste he bought while listening to Alex Jones’ show. The toothpaste is made from 100% chemtrail blocking ingredients and is fluoride-free. Squeezing the paste from the aluminum foil-wrapped tube, Gohmert continued to ponder the situation.
“These thugs ain’t like the good, clean, white, ammo hoarding, God fearing, tiki torch carrying patriots we know are just lovers of freedom and equality for most everyone as long as they’re not dark skinned,” Gohmert mused. “These are the worst of the worst! We must stop them! They’re anti-fascism! How in the holy living gollygosh dohickey darn heckfire are we gonna get our Dear President’s agenda through if everyone’s all of a sudden anti-fascist?!”
Ordinarily, Gohmert would simply rub his body with confederate currency and wrap himself in the confederate flag to soothe himself. However, sources say he was simply too worked up for even those kinds of measures. Instead, Gohmert just stood there, terrified about what he knows is the biggest threat to American safety in a generation.
“They’re demonic! I just know they’re Marxist demons. They probably have dark powers,” Gohmert wondered aloud. “What are gonna do about Antifa? Antifa…Antifa…”
Suddenly, a distant crackling sound could be heard, and without any warning, five masked millennials appeared behind Gohmert and dragged him out of the bathroom.
“WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING – ” Gohmert started to say, but it was too late.
It’s unclear where the Antifa millennials have taken Gohmert. Authorities in Texas are combing all the toilets he usually hangs out with all his fellow turds in. If and when he’s located, this story will be updated.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.