As the election draws closer, there’s little doubt that President Donald Trump believes he’s reliant in large part on the votes of conservative evangelical Christians. Despite being a thrice-married man with a long, public history of tawdry sexual affairs with women both in and out of wedlock, in 2016 evangelicals hoisted Mr. Trump upon their shoulders and helped do their part to carry him to the White House. 2020 seems to be a similar situation, which might explain why Trump has been vocally championing causes important to the religious, including gun rights and limiting abortion access.
But a new poll conducted last week finds that an overwhelming majority of Americans wish that Trump’s mother had been pro-choice. According to Jan Michelle Vincenzo, the deputy lead media contact for polling company Polls on Polls on Polls, when asked during a recent survey roughly 75% of respondents said that, regardless of their personal stance on abortion, they wish Mary Trump, the president’s mother, had been personally pro-choice. Vincenzo calls says the poll “paints one of the clearest pictures” of any such public opinion polling.
“I’ve never seen results like these. Seems like, given the math, that that there are some who consider themselves pro-life who would prefer to live in a world where Donald Trump was aborted,” Vincenzo said. “This is, of course, very understandable, given what cartoon villain and buffoon he is. I guess we’re just all a little taken aback that he’s such a repulsive, vile sack of shit that even decent people who are anti-abortion wish he’d been one.”
It’s not just Trump’s mother that nearly 8 out of every 10 people who took the poll wished had been pro-choice. According to Vincenzo, the mothers’ of Trump’s children were also brought up during the poll’s questionnaire. An even larger percentage of Americans wish that Trump’s baby mamas had been pro-choice than wish his mother had been, Vincenzo announced.
“It wasn’t really all that surprising to us. If you think about. These are horrible, selfish, inept, grifting losers,” Vincenzo explained. “There are sexually transmitted diseases that are more popular than the Trump family, and the STDs are much better at what they do.”
Initially, the White House denied any knowledge of the poll. By the middle of the morning, however, the official story had changed slightly. White Chief Liar Kayleigh McEnany explained the situation to reporters in her most condescendingly official tone of voice on the White House lawn.
“When I told you the president hadn’t read the poll yet, I wasn’t lying. I never lie. I literally am not capable of lying. I was just telling Elvis Presley’s ghost, how much I never lie about anything ever,” McEnany said. “The truth is that the president doesn’t read. He can’t. He’s alternatively literate. So not only did he not read this poll, he technically hasn’t read any poll, or really anything ever. He has everything read to him, and we make sure his intelligence briefings include small words and big pictures.”
A bit surprisingly, Vincenzo says that an equal number of people said they’d have been “just as happy” if Trump’s mother wasn’t pro-choice, but had chosen to mate with “someone or something else” other than his father.
“There were dozens of people who suggested they simply wished Trump’s mother had fucked a flaming cross wrapped in a confederate flag instead of the fucking a racist moron burning a cross and carrying a confederate flag,” Vincenzo said.
Within the same poll’s results, Trump received even more dire news — he’s less popular than the coronavirus itself.
“According to our survey, seven out of every ten people said they’d rather spend 24 hours cooped up with COVID-19 than with Trump,” Vincenzo said. “Those results are quite conclusive — a deadly disease is more popular than President Trump, who is himself, technically, a virus.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.