WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, the President of the United States of America declared the 10th Amendment “total and complete bullshit written by likely Never-Trumpers” on a podcast hosted by right-wing conspiracy theorist and world record holder for largest, emptiest forehead Dan Bongino. A few hours later, Trump would announce from the White House briefing room that he was strongly urging governors in all 50 states to allow congregations to return to their tabernacles, synagogues, mosques, and churches. Though the Constitution gives no president the ability to demand a governor open churches back up in such a way, Trump hinted he’d be willing to take some kind of action in an attempt to do just that.
President Trump declared religious structures as “essential” during today’s press conference, which was not on his official schedule yesterday.
TRUMP: "Some governors have deemed liquor stores & abortion clinics essential, but have left out churches … it's not right. So I am correcting this injustice & am calling houses of worship essential. I call upon governors to allow churches & places of worship to open right now" pic.twitter.com/e0VU8XeLEm
— Aaron Rupar (@atrupar) May 22, 2020
“Thank God President Trump has the strength to tell the Constitution where to go fuck itself,” Senator Lindsey Graham (R-Donald’s Anus) told reporters on the Hill shortly after Trump made the announcement. “He’s not like Obama trying to use executive overreach to help undocumented workers establish some kind of security and future in the country they live and pay taxes in for God’s sake! He’s using it to push this country ever closer to a theocratic kleptocracy run by a bunch of kakistocratic, racist, white collar morons! If that ain’t what the founders wanted for this great nation when they rebelled against Lincoln’s tyranny, then by Jesus Christ I don’t want to live in America anymore!”
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Graham then melted into a pool of tears, rubles, and komprimat.
The president wasn’t finished declaring things as “essentially” today, however. This evening, Trump signed an executive order declaring any “houses that worship the president” as “utterly and completely, bigly essential.” While dragging his presidential and puny hand across the order, his trademark giant orange crayon leaving his signature upon it, Trump explained the order he was putting into effect immediately.
“From this point forward, I hereby order — that’s a big deal, people, when I order things. That’s what I was actually telling those bastards down at McDonald’s this morning when they said they couldn’t have one of their sexiest employees deliver my order to me, because of the INVISIBLE ENEMY,” Trump meandered, “I said to them, when I order things, that’s a big deal, and they should be followed, my orders. The manager didn’t see it that way, and now he’s on his way to Gitmo. Anyway…”
The president leaned back in his chair and snapped his fingers. In walked six aides, all with in personal protective equipment, which Trump ordered all White House personnel to be in when around him. Trump insisted he was merely “taking precautions to not catch the Democrat Hoax Flu.” The aides quickly put a bib on the president and changed his diaper as a bottle of Diet Coke with a rubber nipple was prepared for him. Two more aides came in and placed a bucket of chicken nuggets on the Resolute Desk.
“The point is, that houses that worship me, the President of the United States, will be henceforth considered essential,” Trump said, nugget pieces flying from his lips, “okay? You got all that? EEE-SENCH-UHL. That means you can’t shut don’t any place that worships me.”
Trump lifted himself up in his chair and farted.
“A bar with a Trump sign out front? Essential,” Trump said. “A barbershop with a barber in it wearing a MAGA hat? ESSENTIAL. A klan rally with one of those neato bonfires? ESSENTIAL. A church with a Trump banner on it? Double-essential status.”
Trump shooed the press corps out of the Oval Office as he shoveled handfuls of nugget into his face and down his throat in one movement.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.