Ford CEO: Trump Wore Angry, Spray-Tanned, Vagina Necked, Racist Orangutan Mask on Factory Floor

YPSILANTI, MICHIGAN — Jim Hackett, CEO of the Ford Motor Company, told reporters today during his visit to the Ford plant in Ypsilanti yesterday, President Donald Trump did, in fact, wear a mask. The mask the president wore, according to Hackett, though, was not an N95 respirator or even a standard cloth mask. Instead, Trump’s mask “looked much different” than any other mask Hackett had seen someone wear on the factory floor.

“I’ve seen a lot of reporting about the president’s visit to our facility that I don’t think is quite accurate,” Hackett told the press today. “First — while it’s true that he didn’t wear a cloth mask when he delivered his address, he did wear one for a short time during the tour the public didn’t see.”

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Although he only wore a cloth mask for a portion of his tour of the factory, President Trump “always had an additional mask on,” Hackett divulged.

“When he first approached the factory, I was pretty sure he was wearing one of those novelty poo emoji masks,” Hackett said, “but I quickly realized, he was actually wearing an angry, spray-tanned, vagina necked, racist orangutan mask. I couldn’t tell until he got close enough. In fact, I gotta give him credit for really embracing the part; he smelled like an orangutan, too.”

Questions about whether or not Trump would wear a mask swirled right up to when he took his tour of Ford’s factory. Trump had seemed reluctant to don a mask, even as his staff and administration officials did so. Reportedly, Trump feels it makes him look weak if he wears a mask.

“It was definitely going to be awkward and weird if he didn’t put on a mask, but between him wearing his racist orangutan mask and then putting that cloth mask on for a short time,” Hackett mused, “I think that’s as much as you could ever expect from our Sociopath in Chief, don’t you? Take the small victories where you can, I say.”

This morning at the White House, President Trump hosted a few business leaders in the Oval Office. He was asked about his tour of the Ypsilanti facilities, and about whether he felt wearing a mask made his job harder. Specifically, Trump was asked about his racist orangutan mask.

“You know, I don’t recall wearing that kind of mask, but the way you’re all talking about it, like if I did it’s a good thing,” Trump said, “makes me want to take credit for it. Not that I’m one to take credit for things I shouldn’t, of course. Now, if you’ll excuse me, we have to start planning to reopen my wonderful economy that Barack Black Guy Obama had nothing to do with ever.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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