NY and CA Offer to Buy Kentucky So They Can Stop Bailing It Out The Rest of the Time

This week, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow) seemed to put the kibosh on any more coronavirus stimulus packages. On the same day that updated unemployment figures showed more than 20 million people have lost their jobs as a result of the COVID-19 outbreak, McConnell decried previous coronavirus aid packages as “blue state bailouts” and said he’d keep the Senate focused on ramming conservative justices onto federal court benches instead.

Predictably, Andrew Cuomo, New York’s Democratic governor, took umbrage to McConnell’s suggestion that blue states should simply go broke and file bankruptcy instead of getting bailouts.

The Governor said now is not the time for such hyperpartisanship. “Think of what he is saying. People died. 15,000 people died in New York, but they were predominantly Democrats, so why should we help them?” Cuomo said. “If there was ever a time for humanity and decency, now is the time.” (WCAX)

In a related but unforeseen development, New York and California held a teleconference with each other using the Zoom video conferencing app sometime this afternoon. Sources say that the gubernatorial administrations in each state have agreed, on paper anyway, to an unprecedented financial pact between them. In a letter they intend to sent to Congress and the White House, California and New York are prepared to “put an end to the silly question of who needs bailouts more often.”

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“Governors Newsom and Cuomo agree that it’s beyond ironic and frankly petty and stupid for Leader McConnell to imply that everyone is bailing their states out,” one source close to the situation told us on the condition of anonymity. “The math shows very plainly that Kentucky, McConnell’s state, takes far more federal budgetary assistance than it puts in, and that California and New York give more than they take.”

California has one of the largest economies in the world, and New York doesn’t lag that far behind the Golden State. Apparently, the two states’ governors decided on their call that they should take a bold step and do something that has never been done in American history. Cuomo and Newsom will offer to have New York and California split the cost of buying the entire state of Kentucky — its assets and liabilities — outright.

“It’s true, right now our states are asking for some of our own money back, so that it doesn’t go to states like Kentucky like it usually does. Kentucky’s GDP is roughly 1/15th of ours,” Newsom reportedly told Cuomo, “and it’s about 1/7th of yours, Governor Cuomo. I say we team up and go halvsies on Kentucky. The whole kit and kaboodle. From soup to nuts. From top to tail.”

Governor Cuomo apparently really liked this idea.

“You know, Gavin, I really like this idea, quite a lot,” Cuomo said. “It could really set the record straight about the financial relationship between all the states.”

Newsom concurred.

“I concur, Governor Cuomo. It’ll really help us stop having to bail Kentucky out if it’s just part of our states’ budgets anyway,” Newsom suggested. “Kinda cuts the middle man out, doesn’t it?”

One state purchasing another has never been formally proposed. It’s unclear at this time whether the Supreme Court would have to weigh in, let alone what resistance the plan might meet from Congress. However, Cuomo and Newsom agree there is one benefit that will be afforded to all Americans if the plan goes through.

“We’re hoping this clears up any animosity between our states, but also, more importantly, that it shuts Mitch McConnell’s bitch ass up, maybe forever,” our source told us. “Everyone on the call felt that was something that could benefit all fifty states, not just California and New York.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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