KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — Jesus Hubert Christ, Executive Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., told reporters today that he and his father have decided to give members of the MAGA movement what he called “special consideration” and permission to break one of the Ten Commandments.
“I know that for a long, long, long time we’ve done the whole no other Gods before me thing,” Jesus explained, “but at the end of the day, my dad and I are realists. It doesn’t take any level of genius or insight to see that most of the people who belong to MAGA already worship that dude with the small hands, smaller IQ, and even tinier peen-ween anyway. So, Dad and I just kinda looked at each other one day and decided it was time to let our MAGA go.”
In many ways, Christ went on, he and his father, Larry “God” Schumway, believe that letting the MAGA faithful worship Donald Trump instead of either of them will be a “win-win for all sides.”
“I mean, they don’t really do the stuff Dad and I told them to do anyway, right? They don’t help the poor, or the sick,” Christ said, “they don’t take care of immigrants like a stranger in their land. So, we both just kinda thought maybe MAGA wanted to quit us, but didn’t know how to do it. We decided we’d be the ones to start the break-up process.”
Mr. Christ said that MAGA Christians are “already used to ignoring the Ten Commandments as much as they ignore the Constitution” anyway, and that violating the commandment on false idols before he and his father “will be one of the smaller violations” the MAGA crowd has committed.
“I mean, we also said thou shalt not bear false witness and they elected the most prolific liar in the history of earthly politics,” Christ said, “so they’re not really into keeping the Commandments all THAT sacred anyway, are they?”
Jesus indicated that he and his father also have decided they need to put some separation between them and MAGA in the eyes of the public. Christ spoke to concerns he and Schumway have about their bring more clientele into their luxury post-death resort if departed souls are “worried about having to be around mass stupidity in death, as in life.”
“Pops and I thought it was going to be better for our brand overall to distance ourselves from Donald Trump,” Christ quipped. “It’s not like we want to make the same mistake the Republican Party made. You gotta run away from stupid, not towards it with open arms.”
On his new blog that he calls a social media site, former President Trump called Jesus’ announcement “rude but also fair.”
“He shouldn’t be so nasty to MAGA. Who does he think he is,” Trump wrote. “Still, it was rude, but also fair. And wise. I always thought I’d make a good god. Maybe Jesus is smarter than he looks.”
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.