WASHINGTON, D.C. — A pink-eyed, exasperated Vice President High Priest Mike Pence was so upset by what he just figured out that he cried out in anguish, and could be heard from outside his office door.
“Son of a goshdarned-dohickey-friggin’-fraggin’ hecker! I just realized that all the time I spent mouth loving the president last night cut into my talking time,” Pence howled. “Why didn’t someone tell me this before the debate? I thought I’d be given time to both spew lies and tongue President Trump’s heroic, stoic, courageous, brave, and perfect taint! Gosh stinking darn it!”
Last night, Pence and Sen. Kamala Harris of California — the Democratic Party’s nominee for Vice President — squared off in their only scheduled debate. Like his boss the week prior, Pence seemed unable or unwilling to listen to his opponent, and interrupted several times, and he also exceeded his allotted speaking time at many points as well. Pence also took the opportunity at several points to effusively praise President Trump and defend him from Harris’ barbs, no matter how truthful they may have been.
“I knew I really was only performing for an audience of one,” Pence could be heard this morning, fighting back tears, “so I gave that man everything I had. I gave him the kind of treatment I’ve only ever dreamed of giving that young Thomas Brady chap, or maybe President Jefferson Davis if I could time travel. Now I realize, though, that those biased, liberal jerks were never going to allot me the time I needed to mouth the president a salty and speak about the issues. GALL DERN IT!”
Pence was reportedly so unnerved this morning, that he briefly considered calling Harris and asking her if she’d debate him again. However, before he could place the call to Harris, President Trump announced that he was pulling out of the next debate with Joe Biden after the debate commission announced it was changing the format to a virtual one. Pence would later be overheard telling his wife that once Trump “decided to pull out,” he knew that there could be nore more debates.
“I’m just so stinking upset, Mother! All I wanted was to show him how loyal I am to him,” Pence said. “If I had known that every second I spent sliding his dong down my throat was a second I would never get back, a precious second I’d need to spew conspiracy theories and lies, well dang it, I wouldn’t have done it!”
Despite feeling like he failed with a golden opportunity to really debate Ms. Harris well, Pence did console himself with the fact that his audience of one believed he had defeated her.
Mike Pence WON BIG!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) October 8, 2020
“Of course it feels good that the president thought I won. I just wish,” Pence told his wife Karen, “that I had managed to get a few more lies in. But truthfully, I was so focused on remembering that he likes his balls cupped that I forgot to talk more about how great those balls are!”
This morning, President Trump decided to back out of the next scheduled debate with former Vice President Biden, owing to the fact that the debate commission chose to change the format of the debate to be virtual, as Trump has been sick with the coronavirus for at least a week and a half. Current polling shows a widening national lead for Biden, and some key swing states following suit.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.