GOP Election Audits Prove Biden’s Presidency Can Only Last Three and a Half More Years

The results of two major pretend-audits in Arizona and Georgia are starting to come in, and Cyber Ninjas, the company that performed them, says that they’re showing “clear-ish and semi-obvious potential evidence” that could threaten the presidency of Joe Biden. At a hastily thrown together press conference this afternoon, Cyber Ninja deputy press officer Dick Fallis gave reporters what he called an “initial teaser” of the final report his company is preparing.

“What I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt is that we did things. Were those things good? Were those things proper? Were those things even on solid legal footing? Who knows,” Fallis said. “What we know for certain is that through our painstaking evidence fabrication, we have proven that at most Biden can remain president for another three years. Maybe four more after that, but that’s it. No more after that.”

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In an angry press release he had to have posted to social media on his behalf, former, one-term, twice forever impeached President Donald Trump hailed the announcement as putting him “one step closer to reclaiming my throne.”

“Obviously, these audits are bigly important, and show, as we have said since Election Night, that at least forty trillion fake/bad/false/fraudulent ballots were cast for Sleepy Toe-Teepy Biden,” Trump’s statement claims. “I am extremely and bigly excited to know that my audits could possibly mean that Sleepy has to leave by 2024, unless he wins again. Which can only happen if another sixty eight bajillion people fake-vote for him.”

Fallis indicated that there would be “a lot more to come” from Cyber Ninjas in relation to the election audits.

“Just when we think we’re done, someone makes up some other wild accusation we take as gospel and then have to manufacture the evidence to back up,” Fallis said. “It’s a lot harder work to destabilize democracy and disenfranchise milions of people than it looks from the outside, I’ll tell you all that much.”

Donald Trump has yet to win the popular vote in any presidential contest he’s entered.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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