Charlie Kirk Wins Gold Medal for Having a Terrifyingly Small Face on a Hilariously Giant Head

Right-wing provocateur Charlie Kirk made waves today when he lashed out and criticized multiple-gold medal winning American gymnast Simone Biles, who took herself out competition for the team finals last night in Tokyo. Kirk blasted Biles for explaining her decision to withdraw, in part, was based on mental health factors. Kirk implied that Biles was weak and unpatriotic for not competing, despite feeling she was not able to give her best effort.

Mr. Kirk tweeted a video of his rant, claiming he stands by everything he says in it.

GOP Election Audits Prove Biden’s Presidency Can Only Last Three and a Half More Years

A day after lambasting an American athlete with a pile of gold medals to her name, Kirk stunned the world by winning his own. In an event that wasn’t advertised by the Olympic committee, or even carried on any broadcast stations, Kirk took the top spot in the Having a Terrifyingly Small face on a Hilariously Giant Head competition. Though, it should be known that Kirk was this year’s only contestant.

“Anyone who has watched a Charlie Kirk video or seen a Charlie Kirk meme from TurningPointKKK would guess that he’d have a good shot at gold this year,” NBC Sports analyst Chester Cheehzkorhn told us via Skype. “So I don’t think there are very many people who are shocked or stunned by these results.”

Mr. Kirk told reporters after he was handed his gold medal and stood atop the podium while the national anthem of Dumbfuckistan played, that he was “deeply and bigly honored” to win the gold on behalf of every American.

“And by every American, I mean the real Americans who voted to keep King God Emperor President Donald Trump in office,” Kirk said. “The commie cuck soyboys who voted for Biden aren’t real Americans. If you’ll excuse me, I need to use this thimble to wash my face, and then go use the swimming pool at the aquatic center to wash the rest of my massive head.”

Patriotic American Rooting For Socialist Countries to Beat U.S. Women’s Soccer Team

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This