VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINA — Televangelist Pat Robertson assured his flock today that the laws Republicans are currently pushing in red states to bar transgender student athletes from participating in sports with anyone other than their own biological gender at birth are “completely in keeping with what God wants us most focused on.”
“Believe me, when people start calling your laws bullying, or hateful, I understand that giving one pause,” Robertson said, “but I called Jesus on his 1-800 line just last night and he assured me both he and his father want us to crotch check those kids before they play their sportsball games.”
Robertson asserted that “somewhere in the Bible” are passages that directly address and condemn transgender people, and gender confirmation processes.
“It’s in there. You just have to know what to look for,” Robertson declared. “I think it was his Sermon on the Mount, in, um, First Thesekeselessbessmonians or whatever the shit. It may not say those actual words, or even remotely address the topic per se, but we all know what’s up. God is very interested in making sure intermural sports are organized into genital-specific leagues.”
Rev. Robertson, in his eighties, said that Jesus gave him a “direct order and holy permission” to “put a hand down any youngster’s frontside right before kick off or the puck is dropped to ensure the integrity of the game.”
“Do I, or anyone other than the families of the athletes involved watch any high school sports, much less girls’ sports,” Robertson asked. “Of course not. But that doesn’t mean our Holy Father wants me to sit back and let people just play any ol’ game they want to, like some kinda golly-gosh-darned heathen!”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.