Pat Robertson: God Will Send Hurricanes to All 50 States If ‘Gays Keep Getting Married’

VIRGINIA BEACH, VIRGINIA — Televangelist Pat Robertson has an ominous warning for America: Stop letting the gays get married, or else God will flood all fifty states. Robertson was speaking on his Monday morning podcast, “Wake Up With Jesus,” when a caller asked him if he felt that hurricanes are in any way a message from God.

Data Analysis: More People Than IQ Points In Arena During Most Recent Trump Rally

“Well, you know,” the octogenarian preacher told the caller, “that’s a mighty fine question. We all know that God’s main weapon of choice for the mass culling of the human race is a flood, so yes, I do think God’s hand is at work there.”

Robertson said that if he lived in hurricane territory, he’d consider building an ark, like that of Noah, and he’d start putting his and his neighbors pets in the ark, two-by-two.

“I know for a fact that God was so angry about the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision, that he deliberately waited for almost a couple years and then created Hurricane Harvey as a warning to the rest of us,” Robertson said gravely.

Robertson says that the “sin of allowing adults to lovingly commit to sharing their lives” with another member of the same gender is “a direct slap in the face to the God who sent his only begotten son to come to Earth, not ever get laid, and hang out almost exclusively with a group of twelve other men who professed a deep, abiding love for him.”

Mr. Robertson, whose non-profit megachurch has gotten him an estimated $200 million to $1 billion net worth, said that he “just feels awful about all the smiting God will be doing” but that “Americans should have listened” to him when he warned that this kind of thing could happen if “the court made the egregious and and regrettable decision to treat everyone equally under the law.” However, Robertson said that while it might be too late for the Gulf, the rest of the states could save themselves.

One caller asked Robertson why God chooses a conservative areas like the Gulf, instead of California or Massachusetts to punish for gay marriage.

“The Lord smites in mysterious ways,” Robertson replied.

“Repent,” Robertson shouted into the microphone at his listeners, “and all of this will go away. I promise you that if we all got together and voted out the liberals who are poisoning our youth and our culture with their feelings and so-called ‘desires’ to ‘make life better and more fair’ for everyone, not a single tragedy will befall this great nation.” Robertson added that “if Americans just completely give over to God’s control, elect a suitable Christian and allow that man to craft this country again in God’s will” that “everyone will get richer, there will be peace in the Valley, and literal manna from heaven will drop down for all to feed.”

“Because while 97% of climate scientists agree that climate change is real and there’s a good chance these megastorms are a result of said climate change,” Robertson said, “we know that the unprovable whims of an even more unproven, all powerful force that controls the universe. And so we must pay homage to that power by telling adults they are not allowed to love whomever they want, no matter how much free will God gave you.”

Tomi Lahren Spotted In Recruitment Office Enlisting Someone Else’s Kids To Die For Trump’s Re-Election

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

  1. Religious are saying Gay Marriage is bringing things on but what if hate and ignorance and THEIR spokesperson Kim Davis is…Don’t play if you can’t pay!

  2. “Robertson said that if he lived in the state he’d consider building an ark, like that of Moses …” James Schlarmann thinks it was Moses’ Ark? Better brush up on your Bible basics before you make fun of other people.

    • Thanks for catching that. It was early, before the coffee kicked in. So the reference to the fictional character has been fixed — the correct fictional character has been given credit for the fictional ark. 🙂

        • OMG… … … I didn’t catch that either!! My excuse is “too late at night”! *holding bridge of nose, shaking head, laughing* My oh my. Yeah, MOSES never needed an ark! A staff that turns into a snake might help tho.

          And I don’t even think it was a fictional flood either. Seems virtually every civilization has a flood myth that is very, VERY similar. Something happened out there, don’t know if God got mad at a bunch of folks, (family can get on even God’s last nerve I’d wager!), but something happened EVERYONE remembers, God or not.

  3. He should study his biblem.m GEN 9:11And I will establish my covenant with you; neither shall all flesh be cut off any more by the waters of a flood; neither shall there any more be a flood to destroy the earth.

  4. Would it not just be easier to flood gay people’s houses?

    I mean, quite a lot of Christians seem to be getting wet in all this holy vengeance. He’s in danger of losing his audience.

  5. FYI James, they’ve re-posted this on Crooks and Liars and most posters there, like the ones here, clearly haven’t realized that it’s intended as satire. (Having said that, we’ve all heard so much similar crap from that asshole on previous occasions that it maybe just a little too close to the truth to be truly satirical.)

  6. Same with
    Benny Hinn
    Paula White
    Jessie Duplantis
    Hope Carpenter
    Td Jakes
    Joel Osteen
    That nutty ass
    And about 50 more of those Satan worshiping hypocrites

    Their god is money
    Well Hope Carpenter black cock

  7. Oh you are SOOOO kidding me, right? Let’s take a Savior who tells us the second most important law in our lives is to “love our neighbor as ourselves” (and no, I don’t mean that as a joke, I’m being real about this), and suddenly God is a vicious smiting vengeful God all of a sudden? Yeah….no, don’t think so.

    Do I think God has removed his hand from over this country? Yes, but it isn’t on account of the “Gays”, it’s because of how cruel, greedy, vicious, separated one from another, any number of nationalities or races at another’s throats – heck I can’t list all man’s inhumanity to man going on here, but suffice it to say, I sure don’t think it’s cuz of the “Gay”. My oh my, so many hurt, so many killing themselves because of what FAUX xtians are spouting off. Any real Christian knows it’s WAY above their pay grade to be judging anyone but themselves, and even that needs to be tempered by Grace. Jesus did NOT come for His followers to be spewing hate at His people too, and giving reason for others of His children (and they ARE mostly children!) to be killing themselves on account of the hate that gets smashed and ground into their faces. They should get it for just a few months, much less a lifetime, and they’d change their tune miiiiiighty quick!

    God? Do us a favor please? Take that man to wherever he’s bound and give him Your reward. He SO desperately needs a high colonic, on a hazy, hot, humid day, hauling a full soldier’s pack up a mountain, but I did just say such choices were above my pay grade. If You like him and want him w/ You in heaven, we really don’t mind, honestly! He’s had a nice long life, he deserves his reward now.

    Thank you kindly, God. And please dry out SC, we all know you did it cuz they WILLINGLY gave up on the Confederate flag, right? HEHEHEHEHE!!! I imagine a few will go back up the pole when you’re done w/ them! hehehe *shaking head, walking off smiling*

  8. So since he’s worth about a billion dollars why is he not out helping the poor? I bet he lives in one hell of a mansion. Just one of his houses is a 1.17 million dollar place in VA. According to records on file at the Bath County Courthouse, the
    three-story stucco mansion’s floor area totals 11,136 square feet, or about one-quarter of an acre.

    It features four fireplaces and two chimneys and is equipped with four full baths and two half-baths. The
    records don’t list the number of bedrooms, and Robertson declined to say how many there are.

    The chalet sports a kidney-shaped swimming pool, an octagonal pool house, an enclosed porch, an open porch, a deck,
    a flagstone patio and a carport, according to the courthouse records.

    What’s that about a rich man getting into heaven?


  10. I am not a Christian so I do not care what your silly book has to say . Now if you will excuse me I have to go commit sodomy .

Leave a reply

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here