Papa John’s New Slogan: “Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. No N-Words After 20 Months of Deprogramming.”

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY — Pizza chain Papa John’s cut ties officially with John Schnatter, its founder, a couple of years ago. Schnatter had been coming under fire not just for his controversial political views, but most centrally to his sacking, his use of racial slurs and stereotypes while running the company.

Today, word came that Papa John’s has decided to update its slogan, based on Schnatter’s announcement that he has purged the N-Word from his vocabulary. It took him twenty months, Schnatter divulged to Newsmax recently, but he was able to stop using the N-word eventually. In a written statement, Papa John’s congratulated Schnatter for “entering the 21st century just a couple of decades too late,” and announced the updated slogan.”

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“Congratulations, John, on entering the 21st century just a couple of decades too late,” the statement opens. “We know how hard it is for middle-aged, wealthy white guys to be told their behavior needs to change, and we are so proud of your ability to swallow your extremely valuable pride and do the absolute, utter bare minimum in attempt to rehabilitate your completely diarrhea’d-up reputation!”

The statement continues.

“It therefore gives us great pleasure to announce that we have updated our famous slogan to reflect the more evolved understanding of our founder, Papa John himself,” the announcement states. “From now on, our slogan will be: Better Ingredients. Better Pizza. No N-Words After 20 Months of Deprogramming.”

“Congrats again, John, on your truly momentous achievement!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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