On a park bench not far from the nation’s capitol complex, Qongressman Jim Jordan sits with country band The Dixie Chicks, sharing a large order of freedom fries from a nearby McDonald’s. As Jordan hold courts with the Chicks, he talks to us about what he sees as the greatest threat to American stability today, and it’s not the white nationalist terrorists who attacked Congress on January 6th.
“Cancel culture. That’s the most dangerous threat to Americans right now, as far as I can see it,” Jordan told us. “Now, that’s REAL Americans we’re talking about. God fearing, ammo hoarding, red meat eating Christian American patriots. They know that if anything is a threat to our American freedoms, it’s a mob trying to silence their opponents’ political beliefs.”
Jordan offers some fries the Dixie Chicks as he dunks his in ketchup, and continues.
“It’s like I was telling Glenn Beck the other day, liberals are just out of control with this cancel culture crap, and they need to knock it off,” Jordan insisted. “He agreed, of course, and reminded me that it’s not like we’re talking about ending an athlete’s career for taking a silent, respectful knee during the national anthem. We’re talking about people canceling Potato Head’s penis, and not printing some Dr. Seuss books just because they’ve got racist stuff in them.”
Once more, Jordan offered the freedom fries to the Dixie Chicks, who kept doing their best to pretend they didn’t see him.
“Heck, this isn’t even like boycotting Starbucks because they won’t let us open carry our AR-15’s in their stores,” Jordan explained. “This isn’t close to our decades’ long crusade against Planned Parenthood. And this absolutely not like getting James Gunn fired for ten year old joke tweets. THIS IS CULTURAL MARXISM AND WE HAVE TO TAKE A STAND AGAINST IT!”
Once he had finished his freedom fries, Jordan thanked the Dixie Chicks for spending time with, and then walked off, ignoring a sexual assault that was taking place right in front of him as he did.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.