Palpatine Defends Dismantling Republic Postal Service Less Than Three Months Before Galactic Election

CORUSCANT — Supreme Chancellor Palpatine is defending this decision to largely dismantle the Republic Postal Service, just months away from what many consider to be the most important galactic election in more than a generation.

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“The fact of the matter is that Separatists and Never-Palpers can infiltrate our Republic Postal Service and greatly corrupt our elections,” Palpatine told Sith & Friends this morning. “Because I have my emergency powers still, thanks to Senator Binks, it is fully within those powers to wipe out the Republic post offices…all of them.”

Palpatine said his advisers had found some weak points in the postal service’s data network, and he didn’t want them exploited.

“The one thing everyone knows about ol’ Sheev Palpatine is that he doesn’t let anyone take advantage of lesser-known or hidden weak points, ever,” Palpatine said with a smug grin. “I also have a sort of sixth sense, if you will, for these things, and tend to be able to foresee all that happens, and my premonitions tell me our Grand Republic will be attacked via universal mail-in voting. I cannot sit back and do nothing, not as Supreme Chancellor.”

Chancellor Palpatine also warned Republic citizens to be “on the lookout for AntiSith agitators” who are trying to cause chaos and “perhaps even a pitiful little rebellion.” If they see anything suspicious, Palpatine urges citizens to report it to their local clone trooper outpost. Only through “strong vigilance and bigly observation,” Palpatine said, can the galaxy stay safe and secure.

“Do not let these AntiSith anarchists fool you. I am the ultimate power in the universe,” Palpatine said, “and I am not afraid to use it to keep our galaxy safe from AntiSiths!”

The chancellor does have plenty of critics, and perhaps predictably, they’ve made statements to the Republic press condemning Palpatine’s actions in regard to the postal service.

“This is a blatant attempt to suppress the outer rim vote,” Senator Bail Organa of Alderaan told reporters. “As someone with friends on Tatooine, Dantooine, and even Jakku, I find this plan repugnant, even though it’s quite par for the course with Palpatine. I’ve never trusted him, and I wouldn’t put it past him to try some other, much more nefarious things as this war drags on.”

Jedi Council member Master Yoda also weighed-in on the dismantling of the postal service.

“Unprecedented and dangerous, this is! Undemocratic and fascistic, it is,” Yoda warned. “Always in motion, the future is, but this feels like blatant, naked voter suppression, and quite disturbing it is.”

Yoda stopped short, however, of saying he believed Palpatine was up to anything nefarious or evil.

“A bit of an extreme, that is, to assume Chancellor Palpatine has evil intentions,” Yoda shrugged. “He seems like a decent enough guy, maybe a bad day, he’s having? Give him the benefit of the doubt, we probably should. The worst that could happen, what is it?”

Palpatine will face Mon Mothma of Chandrila in this fall’s election. Polls currently show Mothma with a lead overall, but with months left before the election, there’s still more than enough time for Palpatine to make that ground up.

“Just be grateful I’m still pretending to let you vote,” Palpatine said. “Remember, I have enormous powers, and I am not afraid to use them, and Attorney General Barrth Vader says I can do whatever I want, anyway.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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