WELLINGTON, OHIO — One of his staffers called it a “return to his former stupidity-laced glory.” Another said it was a “chance to show the world the kind of bold idiocy” American leaders to possess. However one choose to describe the event, a giant, orange-tinted, tiny-handed, daughter lusting stupid fuck stood in front a crowd of his fellow stupid fucks and ranted at them for around an hour.
Officially, the gatherings are known as “rallies,” however scholars and experts have long suggested that they would be more accurately described as “mobs of morons” or “assemblies of assholes.” It’s unclear exactly how many stupid fucks were in attendance at the county fair grounds last night, but one thing is certain — their favorite former stupid fuck in chief was ready, willing, and able to screech, whine, and lie about losing last year’s election, and that’s exactly what all the stupid fucks there last night wanted to hear.
Today, we caught up with a handful of the stupid fucks who attended the stupid fuck rally in Ohio, and asked them a couple of basic questions about their experience.
Q: Why did you attend the rally yesterday?
“Well, I think it’s important to show the rest of America who’s still our president, even if it’s only in our broken hearts and simple minds.” – Burt Thompson, 64, Retired Off-Road Racer
“I wanted to pick up some fresh new ‘Fuck Biden’ flags, because they’re really hilarious, you see, and I’m in no way overcompensating for the fact that I can’t handle being a loser who supported an even bigger loser.” – Jack McGee, 43, Non-Union Plumber
“CUZ I WANTED TO, LIBTURD, NEXT QUESTION.” – Jethro Bohiggins, 41, YouTuber-Singer-Songwriter
Q: Did you learn anything new yesterday?
“Yes, I learned that Forever President Trump has evidence that fifteen billion members of MS-13 hired Antifa to use cancel culture on Republican ballots. I also learned that me and Marjorie Taylor Greene have the same crack dealer.” – Karen Fillmore, 40, Stay at Home Crackhead
“I learned that the fake news media keeps telling us the lie that Trump lost just because he didn’t get enough votes in enough states, despite all we real patriots knowing that an incumbent Republican president automatically gets six million votes per state.” – Alex Jones, 47, Unhinged Psychopath
“Learning is for socialists, libturd. NEXT QUESTION.” – Jethro Bohiggins, 41, YouTuber-Singer-Songwriter
Q: Who will you vote for in 2024 if Trump dies or is in prison?
“Pat Robertson said on his show last week that God won’t let Trump die until he’s president again, so I’m not worried about it.” – Susan Snavely, 55, Sunday School Teacher
“Probably his darling First Lady. I’ve always thought Ivanka would make a hell of a good president.” – Clem O’Connell, 58, Rancher
“I WILL WRITE IN DONALD JOHN TRUMP’S NAME BECAUSE EVEN A DEAD TRUMP IS BETTER THAN A LIVING DEMON-CRAT PRESIDENT!” – Jethro Bohiggins, 41, YouTuber-Singer-Songwriter
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.