Joe Biden Uses Teleprompter to Read the Names of 200,000 Americans Who Died from Covid-19

LAGO DEL CRIMINAL GENOCIDA, FLORIDA — Today, Joe Biden made a campaign stop in Tampa Bay, Florida. One of the lines of attack that President Donald Trump and his surrogates often use when trying to criticize Biden is that he’s too reliant on a teleprompter. In fact, in recent days, Team Trump has tried its hardest to prove that Biden gets help from some news outlets and has questions and answers pre-loaded on a teleprompter.

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While there is absolutely no evidence that Biden does have answers pre-scripted on a teleprompter, the former Vice President seemed to acknowledge the accusations against him this morning when he participated in some political theater of his own. Standing before a socially-distanced, mostly masked crowd in a town not far from Tampa Bay, Biden used a teleprompter once more. This time, however, he had the names of the more than 200,000 Americans who have died as a result from complications that arose when they were infected with COVID-19.

“Now, I’m about to do something, Jack, and I hope you’ll all enjoy this old man for a little bit,” Biden said this morning as he prepared to read the names, “because yes, I’m about to use these teleprompters set up right here in front of me. I have to warn you all about that, because apparently it’s very triggering to some people in this country to see a politician use a teleprompter, even though we’ve been using them for literally decades at this point.”

Last week, veteran Watergate journalist Bob Woodward’s new book was published, and it contains explosive passages in which President Trump admits that he has been downplaying the deadliness of COVID-19 almost from the very start. Woodward’s book is backed-up by recorded interviews that he conducted with Trump’s full awareness, and those recordings were also highly-publicized last week. Throughout the campaign, Biden has criticized Trump for his administration’s response to the coronavirus outbreak.

“It might take me some time to read all these names, because it takes a long time to read the names of almost a quarter million Americans who have died from this horrible disease,” Biden said. “You know, if I were going to read the names of the people who died on 9/11, it would only take me 1/66th as long as this is going to take me.”

Biden reached down and grabbed a bottle of water from behind his podium, and drank from it, with one hand.

“Huh. The other guy makes that look so difficult, using one hand to drink water, but I seem to have literally no problem whatsoever, that’s weird, huh,” Biden said with a knowing smile. “Okay, enough preparation, let’s honor the Americans we’ve lost to this virus. And as I’m reading these names, I want you to think about how many fewer names I’d be reading if literally any other human life form were in that Oval Office.”

At the time of publication, Biden still had 197,000 Americans’ names to read, and his campaign expects he’ll be there well into tomorrow morning.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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