One Had Well Done Steak, The Other Had Trump Dick

It was a night one of them would never forget, and that was forgotten as soon as the other one got back to his luxury suite and got into bed with his First Lady and lover, who doesn’t mind also being his daughter. According to a tweet sent from the one who can actually have a social media account, the subjects up for discussion last night were mostly centered around their political party’s return to power in next year’s mid-term elections.

But what most Americans want to know about Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-TX) and former President Donald J. Trump’s dinner at Mar-a-Lago last night, is what each man had to eat. Now, thanks to the efforts of our tireless investigative reporting team, we can report exclusively on what each man chose as his main course, sides, and even appetizers. Despite it being a restaurant located in a hotel he owns, however, we can also report that the former president did not pick up the check, and rather did a “dine and dash” with Cruz.

MORE: Study Shows Ben Shapiro Thinks About Transgender People’s Genitals More Than Transgender People

“Last night, the restaurant was featuring a duck confit as its special, but Ted and the former president both decided they wanted something else,” our source told us. “Mr. Trump decided to go with his old stand by — a steak just this side of burnt to a crisp, paired with a fine tomato puree from the fine folks at Heinz. Sen. Cruz also went with an entrée he’s quite fond of ordering whenever he comes to town — Trump dick.”

According to our source, each of Mar-a-Lago’s restaurants offers a take on Trump Dick. The recipe can vary, of course, but the main protein is always .000000000000001 ounces of USDA F-Grade ground beef, stuffed into the smallest condom the kitchen staff can find. It’s then presented to the diner who orders it “a la visage de fuckface,” and they are encouraged to eat the entire thing in one gulp.

“It’s not a big dish. In fact, you might say it’s the world’s smallest ever sausage,” we were told. “Like, most restaurants wouldn’t even call it an amuse bouche. But here? They bill it as ‘the bigliest and most succulent, tastiest MAGA-sausage money can buy.’ Let’s put it this way — nobody has ever choked on it, and never, ever will.”

While the meal seemed cordial, our source did note that Trump was apparently having a hard time remembering Sen. Cruz’s name.

“For some reason, he kept calling Ted ‘Reek’ and pointing to Ted’s crotch and laughing,” our source said. “He also brought up how ugly Ted’s wife is after every single bite. But other than that, the two really seemed to enjoy their publicity stunt, regardless of how they felt about the food.”

MORE: No Matter What Lamestream Media Says, Man Will Believe the Election Was Stolen and Earth is Flat

Become a Patron!

Follow James on Instagram.
Subscribe to James’ Patreon for ad-free satire.


Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This