After TN Christian School Shooting, NRA Wants Armed Gods in the Classroom

By now, most Americans have realized that mass shooting events at schools are just a normal part of our shared culture. Otherwise, if the United States didn’t consider dead school children a routine part of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, one might get the idea that they’d pass laws to make it harder for people to get their hands on firearms.

This week’s deadly school shooting took place at a private Christian school in Tennessee. When it was over, the shooter was dead, as were six other people, including three students. While the National Rifle Association routinely cautions people not to talk about guns or gun control after a deadly mass shooting, this morning, Cash Gazette, spokesperson for the NRA, spoke at a press conference. During the presser, he discussed the Christian school shooting.

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Gazette blamed the tragedy on something that might sound like a new twist on an old classic.

“For years, you’ve heard us warn you that American society was pushing itself toward more and more mass shootings, and that the last thing you should blame is the never ending flood of guns we help push into your hands,” Gazette told reporters. “You’ve also heard us blame these killings on everything from violent video games to a lack of God in the classroom. Well, guess what? A lack of God in the classroom certainly made this latest shooting much more worser.”

When a reporter reminded Mr. Gazette that the shooting took place at a Christian school, where mentions of God and Jesus would certainly not be prohibited, he clarified.

“Sorry, I should have said unarmed God. The simple truth here is that there were no armed Gods on the premises,” Gazette replied. “Imagine how much more quickly this whole thing would have been over if when that shooter rolled up, God had been there with an AR-15, blasting away!”

The NRA warns Americans, however, to be careful which Gods they arm.

“Of course we are talking here about the Christian God. The American Christian God, at that,” Gazette insisted. “Who knows how much worse things will be if we let the Muslim Allah guy or the prequel version of God that Jewish people believe in have guns. Yikes!”

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A word in #satire form from the #NRA #Nashville #politics #politik #guncontrol #secondamendment

♬ original sound – James Schlarmann – James Schlarmann

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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