NRA Executive Just Two More School Shootings From Being Able To Afford Fourth Vacation Home

FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — Today, during a board meeting of the executives of the National Rifle Association, board member Tim Timberlake said that thanks to the spike in donations to the NRA — tripling since the Parkland school shooting — he has moved even closer to a personal goal of his.

“This is just awesome everyone! Thanks to the innate paranoia of gun fetishists, we got triple the donations since Parkland than we usually get,” Timberlake said. “Which is more money for all of us, and that’s not even talking about the spike in gun sales you know is coming.”

Timberlake told the board that since a smaller segment of the population is buying guns, the NRA’s board knows it’s “vitally important” that those gun owners buy much more than one, two, or even a handful of firearms.

“The last time I saw the numbers from Pew, last year, it said that just 30% of the country owns a gun,” Timberlake said. “That means almost seven in ten Americans are not potential customers, and so we need to get the people who are to buy, buy, buy, buy! How lucky are we that the shootings keep happening, huh? Nothing scares gun nuts more than when people start realizing our gun laws are so weak in this country after every mass shooting.”

The #MarchForOurLives protests will provide a massive windfall for the NRA, Timberlake speculates.

“Nothing triggers a gun nut — sorry, proud American patriotic gun fornicator — like seeing how many Americans aren’t literally in love with a firearm or twelve,” Timberlake said. “I have no doubt seeing all these people protesting, demanding their government actually act responsibly will trigger them into a buying frenzy.”

As tragic as the events are that led to the spike in NRA donations, Timberlake says there is a “pretty cool silver lining.”

“At  this rate, all we need is one or two more school shootings, and I’ll be able to afford that fourth vacation home I’ve been dying to get,” Timberlake proclaimed. “Or, well, our children have been dying in order for me to get. So, it’s really not true that nothing good ever comes out of these shootings. Just ask my real estate agent.”

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James Schlarmann
James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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