Congress to Consider Funding for Bulletproof Schools In Response to School Shootings

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of yet another mass shooting on a school campus, this one in a Houston suburb, sources on The Hill say that several members of congress have “gotten the message,” as one staffer put it, and are considering several courses of action to try and stem the tide of gun violence in the United States.

One such idea that is being bandied about is for Congress to set aside up to a trillion dollars to retrofit every school — from Kindergarten through the most prestigious of universities — with armor thick enough to stop up to a .50 caliber round.

“I think every American is concerned about the safety of their children when they go to school,” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-WI) told the media at a recent press conference, “and I think most real Americans understand the only way to solve a problem of having too many guns that are too easily accessible is to put more guns everywhere.”

However, according to Ryan he “also understand[s] that certain liberals in this country think putting armed teachers in every classroom makes us look too much like an undeveloped country in a war zone.” Speaker Ryan said that is why House Republicans are wanting to wrap “every school in the nation in Kevlar thick enough to stop a round from a tank gun.”

“God knows we can’t do anything about regulating guns in this country,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, “so it’s time to do the most rational thing possible — turn our schools into bunkers like you’d see on a battle field.”

McConnell says that “any efforts to legislate the actual implements” used in mass shootings is “unconstitutional” because in his view, “the Founders very clearly wanted to create a society where politicians had to live in constant fear of doing their jobs because someone might decide they’ve gone tyrannical and must shoot them dead.”

Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-SC), took a libertarian point of view.

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“Obviously since every human being eventually dies anyway, when you look at the number of kids dying in schools it’s such a rare occasion that we really shouldn’t do anything about it at all,”  Gowdy insisted.

When asked by reporters what he’d tell future victims of school shootings, Gowdy shrugged and said, “Well, I guess I’d tell them that nothing can bring their loved ones back, and that even if it could, I’d ask them if my freedom to own as many firearms of as high a caliber and killing potential as possible is a price I should be willing to pay for it. Because as an elected official, I can tell you that we have at least three meetings weekly to propose becoming a tyrannical, monolithic regime instead of the fractured and polarized group we actually are.”

Even some Democrats have decided to support the issue.

House Minority Leader Nanci Pelosi (D-CA) said that, “As Democrats of course we’d rather do something more substantive about gun control. But as Democrats, we’re also totally willing to roll-over and play dead on guns because we fear the NRA. So you know, there’s that.”

The estimated cost of the Kevlar school initiative hasn’t been published yet, as sources close to the members of congress drafting the proposal say everything is still in its very initial stages.

“Sure, it might cost us trillions of dollars to do what just a little bit of legislative effort would entail, but blowing huge amounts of cash on stupid shit the country doesn’t need is what we Republicans do best,” Gowdy told reporters, “just look at our Benghazi hearings and the Iraq War for proof.”

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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