Nation’s Guns Afraid They’re Getting a Bad Reputation from Trigger-Happy Cops

A recent poll has shown that 87% of the guns surveyed in the United States are afraid that their association with trigger happy police officers is giving them a bad reputation.

The poll, conducted by polling company Here’s a Poll For You and The Cable News Association, surveyed 2000 of the nation’s roughly 300 million firearms to ask them how they felt in the wake of so much media attention on police officers shooting at and even killing unarmed suspects, many of them dark-skinned individuals. The survey used cell phones and landlines, and spoke to guns in all fifty states, including long guns, hand guns, and 3-D printed guns by “that one crazy fuck” in Texas.

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John Constance of The Gun Union of America — an organization of unionized guns founded in 2005 — told The Political Garbage Chute that “these results clearly show that even the guns they take with them out on patrol have lost their faith in the police.” Constance says the guns he represents “have no problem being implements designed purely to kill” but that “all of them do so under the assumption they won’t be used to kill people who aren’t threatening the police officers’ lives in any way.” Mr. Constance also said that “many guns I’ve spoken to are concerned that between the gun fetishists and survivalists pointing guns at federal officers with impunity and now all these trigger-happy cops will result in in a stronger public backlash against guns than had those who make excuses for shitty policing had just owned up to mistakes in the first place.”

In addition to the guns who feel that being associated with trigger-happy cops is bad for their reputation, 72% surveyed say they also have no problem being kept away from terrorists, wife beaters, and the mentally ill. Constance said that result doesn’t surprise him because “it’s the same as the trigger-happy cops” in that “no one wants to be affiliated with people who hurt others for no good reason at all, not even guns.” Mr. Constance says that at union meetings, the issue of gun control often comes up and that most firearms in attendance would have zero problem with common sense laws aimed at “keeping kids and violent sociopaths away” from them.

“Basically,” Constance says, “we have a hard enough time in this day and age convincing people that we’re not boogeymen. We have a hard enough time convincing people that they can simply own a gun or two for sport or self-defense but not be part of some corrosive, anti-populist, pro-violence clusterfuck of a movement that demands we genuflect to the power to kill people with metal machines as it is. So when people start misusing us, or pretending as if their possession of us puts them in the kind of authority to act without regard to life or property, we wan to call bullshit on that, and quick.”

Constance says that “if things don’t improve with those hot-headed cops out there soon” that he and the guns he represents have considered resigning en masse. “Of course, the problem with that is as soon as my clients resign, six thousand guns will come in behind them to take their place. But we have to take a moral stand somewhere. We’re tired of being seen on TV aimed at unarmed teenagers. We’re tired of being seen on the news killing people who at the very least deserved their day in court. No one would want to be associated with the kind of things we are now, and we’re just sick of it, is all.”

So far, more than 467 people have been killed by cops in America in 2015, according to a database run by The Guardian.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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