Mouth Breathing, Knuckle Dragging Moron Mocks Girl Ten Times Smarter and Accomplished Than He’ll Ever Be

COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — Right-wing podcaster and singer/writer Jethro Bohiggins defended President Trump today from criticisms that he was unpresidential by mocking or “trolling” young climate activist Greta Thunberg. On Twitter, Mr. Trump made fun of Thunberg, who delivered a powerful speech on climate change to the United Nations general assembly yesterday. In a truly viral moment, Thunberg was seen staring daggers at Trump as he passed her. The moment was caught on tape.

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On today’s edition of his podcast, Bohiggins ripped into Thunberg who he said “assaulted the president with her eyes” and that the Secret Service should have confiscated the “daggers she was staring at Dear President Trump.”

“What gives her the right to use her eyes in such a hostile manner? Who the hell told this girl she can just think whatever she wants in her head and have those thoughts change the expressions on her face,” Bohiggins demanded. “It just don’t make no sense fam! Why didn’t the Secret Service take that little pigtailed terrorist down?!”

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That’s when Bohiggins decided to “do a Trump” and mock Greta himself.

“What’s this crybaby girl even worried about? According to Ms. Alexandria AOC Cortez, we’re all gonna be dead in less than 12 years anyway,” Bohiggins sneered. “Or at least that’s what my very shoddy grasp of what she said leads me to believe. The point is that little eco-terrorist with a silly accent is trying to un-America the world by making us care about clean air and water. As if that’s what we need to survive, and not capitalism! What the fuckin’ fuck, fam?!”

Jethro said that he and his wife were discussing Thunberg’s speech last night and they both came to the same conclusions.

“My wife and I agreed wholeheartedly that she’s clearly the puppet of her AntiFa parents. Because why else would a girl complain about the conditions of the world she’s going to live in for a long time after we’re all dead,” Bohiggins demanded. “And I mean, really, grow up, little girl! American freedom is more important than your so-called air quality!”

Bohiggins says that Thunberg is “clearly brainwashed and not able to form her own thoughts.”

“That’s exactly what Rush and Hannity and Prager and D’Souza and Ingraham all said, too! They told us, fam! You gotta pay attention,” Bohiggins said. “Those guys all tell you exactly what you’re gonna think, even before you think it! And they all told me, she’s gonna say stuff that you know she didn’t come up with. She’s a pawn! A patsy! She’s so easily duped! Oh crap, hang on fam, Rudy Giuliani is on Fox News right now, telling us what the White House needs us to know about that You-Crane call, be right back.”

Jethro listened to Trump being interviewed during his podcast’s taping, then returned to address his audience again.

“It’s like I always say, fam — libtards is out to brainwash all our kids! That’s why we gotta get them into churches and schools that are run by churches, so we can wash their brains with the word of American Capitalist Christ,” Bohiggins ranted. “I mean, really, fam! Why does this little girl think she can know more about this planet’s 6,000 year history than those of us who graduated from Prager U? We know for a fact this is why they been tryin’ to turn the frogs super-duper gay all along, fam! Also, why is she not telling the truth about carbon, that it’s not harmful and in fact we should be eating some every day with our corn flakes?”

Jethro questioned whether Thunberg has “even done nothin’.”

“I mean, what has she really accomplished other than getting millions and millions of people to pay attention to something, in a world where everyone’s attentions are always so divided,” Bohiggins said. “C’mon! That’s nothin’! I could that tomorrow if I really wanted to! I won’t because I can’t and I don’t know that many people outside my family, but you get my drift, fam!”

Bohiggins says he’s “sick and tired” of hearing about Thunberg.

“Oh, big whoop! She’s gonna win a No Bell,” Bohiggins said. “I ain’t eaten at Taco Bell since I found out most of their items are in Mexican on their menu, but you don’t see me demanding a No Bell prize, do you? OF COURSE NOT. Because I’m not a libtard who needs stupid accolades! I know, as a conservative, that if every thinking, logical adult is telling me not to do something, I must be on the track track, and I do it anyway.”

Before signing off, Bohiggins made one more plea to his audience.

“But speaking of trophies, doesn’t our Dear President deserve one of them there No Bells? Isn’t there one for participation,” Bohiggins said. “Because he participates in a lot of stuff as president, just sayin’. Bohiggins out!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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