Dear Brett Kavanaugh,
Ben Shapiro just wants to see your dick, okay? For the good of the country, sure, but really for the good of Ben’s own shaky nerves. You see, Mr. Ben doesn’t think it’s possible that you could have done the things you’ve been accused of doing in your drunken “I Love Beer!” state, unless there are witnesses who can describe your dick in great detail. According to Benny, you see, no one has described, in great detail, your dong, and therefore you simply must be innocent of all the charges.
Of course, I think that may be a cover for the fact that Ben just wants to see your dick.
Maybe it’s a matter of historical significance. After all, I can’t think of any pictures of Supreme Court cocks I’ve seen in my lifetime. Granted, I haven’t hit 40 yet, so there’s still time. Maybe there’s a tasteful nude portrait of Thurgood Marshall somewhere I’m unaware of. But I’m pretty sure there aren’t any publicly available gavel shots of former SCOTUS members, so there’s a chance Shapiro’s interest in your crotch hanger is purely historical in nature.
Then again, perhaps Ben has a scientific interest in your penis, Brett. I’m sorry. Justice Drunky McBrettface. I need to remember to use your official titles. The point being, however, that maybe Ben’s got some kind of scientific, or medical, reason for wanting to see your pecker, Your Honor. His wife is a doctor, so maybe she asked him to get a good look at your dick for, um, you know, research or whatever.
If he’s not interested in your penis for historic or scientific reasons…maybe he’s just clamoring to get a shot at your schvantz for literary reasons! Maybe he’s writing a book on famous and successful men and the penises in their pants. Maybe he needs to interview a ton of powerful dicks, and you’re just one of many. This seems possible. After all, Ben’s an author, and he wants to see your dick, so I’d say this theory goes in the “maybe” pile.
Ooh! I know!
Maybe Ben Shapiro wants to your dick, Brett, for recreational purposes. I’m thinking that maybe Ben is part of some genital observation league. Sometimes he watches judge dicks, sometimes he scopes out congressional vaginae, but Ben always brings his A-game. That has to be it, right? Ben Shapiro is in a genital watching league, and he wants to win the big championship.
Or…and I can’t believe I’m implying this because it just seems so out of step for Ben, but…
Maybe he’s just doing it for purely political reasons. Maybe he’s just throwing out all kinds of excuses for his guy, because he likes the cut of his political gib. Maybe in Ben’s mind he thinks he can make a tradeoff of values — one rapey, booze soaked, entitled bratty asshole on the bench for life in exchange for punishing minority groups for the crime of…*checks notes*…existing and wanting to keep existing without fear of abuse.
And that can’t be it, right? It can’t just be a political exercise. Ben can’t be talking about your dick just because he needs to defend you politically, right, Bretty Boy? I mean, there’s no way the guy who inspired Bart O’Kavanaugh, the drunken moron from your friend’s book, could have done and said some God-awful shit while drunk off his ass and shitty domestic lagers, right, Brett?
I tell you what — I’m torn, and I don’t want to make any assumptions. So how about we just ask Ben himself. I’ll send him a copy of this letter, and we’ll let Ben tell us why he’s so interested in getting a sneaky-peeky at your dong.
P.S. Watch this, Brett. Seriously, Ben wants to see your cock.
Ben Shapiro dismisses allegations of sexual assault against Brett Kavanaugh with “Nobody has yet described Kavanaugh’s [genitalia]” https://t.co/j7HiXsB5zb
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”