WASHINGTON, D.C. — As his first official act in the capacity of overseeing the country’s response to a potential coronavirus update, Vice President High Priest Mike Pence has issued an order to the Centers for Disease Control for a dramatic increase in its capacity to stockpile thoughts and prayers. Pence, who was the governor of Indiana when an HIV outbreak occurred, in part because of his administration’s policies toward IV drug use, told the media today that he plans to ask Americans to “pray super-duper hard” for a quick end to any potential outbreak of the virus that is causing great concern and anxiety across the globe. The CDC announced this week that a coronavirus outbreak in the U.S. is all but inevitable.
At a press conference yesterday, Trump announced that he was putting Pence in charge of the task force that would oversee the nation’s preparation for, and response to, an outbreak. Arriving to work today, Vice President Pence asked Americans to “stay calm” but to “remember prayer is the only thing that can save us.” Pence warned against the “temptation to rely on so-called doctors and their so-called medicines and science.”
“I have asked the CDC to quadruple its ability to safely store our country’s thoughts and prayers because we’re going to need it,” Pence said. “In times like these, it might be quite tempting indeed to listen to the words of doctors and other scientists, but I must tell you how dangerous that is. Because all of the alleged knowledge they claim to have came from one place, and it wasn’t their textbooks in government indoctrination colleges. Their knowledge comes right from God himself.”
Pence warns America that “medicines and science can only go so far.”
“Oh, sure with their pills and shots and research they’ve eradicated all kinds of infectious diseases that once threatened to wipe out all of humanity,” Pence said, “but have they ever flooded the Earth, destroyed all living creatures except for those who made it onto a boat, and then created rainbows as a promise to never do that again? Because that’s what God can do. I’m just saying.”
Vice President Pence believes that if enough Americans “simply pray the corona away,” the risk of a truly horrific outbreak are reduced greatly. However, he knows it will take a “flood of prayers the likes of which this country has never seen before. In order to achieve this, Pence says he and the White House legal team are exploring some new options.
“Can we force every American to pray to the one, true, Christian American God? Well, according to the godless heathens who wrote the First Amendment into our Constitution,” Pence said, “maybe not. But we’re living in a bold new time, when the Senate has rubber-stamped every unconstitutional thing our Dear President does, so if we’re exploring a ton of new options. This could mean an executive order from the president that all Americans convert to Christianity and pray as hard as they can every single day for an end to the coronavirus threat. We’ll see how that all plays out.”
Pence tried to quantify just how hard he believes Americans will need to pray in order to amass the stockpile of thoughts and prayers the country will need to face down the coronavirus threat.
“You’re going to have to pray hard. Pray harder than the thing in my pants gets whenever I watch Greco-Roman wrestling matches,” Pence explained. “We’re in a real crisis here, people, and we need you in the same place our Dear President asks me to be from time to time. On your knees.”
The CDC was not able to provide us with an estimate of how many thoughts and prayers they can accommodate with its current infrastructure.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.