Merriam-Webster Redefines the Word “Cunty”

The fact of the matter is that English, like all language, is an artform and communication tool constantly in a state of evolution. Slang becomes accepted, common vernacular every year. Dictionaries are constantly being updated to ensure that words and their meanings are defined accurately to the times we live in.

All this explains why this year the people who publish Merriam-Webster’s dictionary have altered the definition of a word that some might offensive, but that has become quite commonplace and relevant over the last four years.

ALSO: Justice Barrett Gets Permission from Husband to Start First Day on Supreme Court

“Today, we announced changes in definitions to six different words,” Bobby Merriam-Webster told reporters. “But of course I know the word you’re all going to ask me about changing is just one of those six. Cunty. I can confirm at this time that the word cunty has had its definition updated and revised.”

In all subsequently printed and published materials, Merriam-Webster’s definition of the word “cunty” will no include a portrait of Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Moscow). The actual definition of the word will also be updated to include the following, as its primary definition.

“Cunty (kún-tee): 1. Mitch McConnell.”

Mr. Merriam-Webster acknowledged that the official “cunty” definition may leave some wondering about the details. What, exactly, makes McConnell cunty to the point that he literally defines the word? A number of factors, explained Merriam-Webster.

“Well, we can start with his rank hypocrisy about filling Supreme Court seats. Then, we can talk about him trying to get healthcare for twenty million people ripped up by the courts,” Merriam-Webster said, “in the middle of a pandemic. We can talk about him ramming a Supreme Court justice through instead another round of stimulus payments for the American people who desperately need them. But, honestly, if you need to know why he’s cunty, you probably haven’t studied Mitch McConnell’s words and actions enough.”

Merriam-Webster, one of the longest running dictionaries, is not worried about any Republican backlash they might get from changing the definition of “cunty.”

“The fact of the matter is that most of the people who will be offended enough to boycott don’t read, much less read dictionaries,” Mr. Merriam-Webster said. “They’re too busy complaining about pressing 1 for English to actually learn how to speak and spell it correctly. We don’t anticipate losing very much business at all over this, no.”

There could be more, similar changes upcoming, too.

“We’re taking a hard look at changing the definitions of words like grifter, conman, huckster, snake oil salesman, racist white collar criminal constantly shitting his pants, and more,” Merriam-Webster announced, “but more on that at another time.”

MORE: FBI Investigating Contents of Eric Trump’s See ‘n Say

Like what you read? Consider becoming a paid Facebook subscriber, or signing up for my Patreon.

Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

Give us an email address and we'll send you a newsletter with the fake news we reported that week. It's free. It's easy. Do it, for the children.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

More Articles Like This