WASHINGTON, D.C. — A truly stunning announcement was just made by the FBI at its headquarters in the nation’s capital.
“Just after lunch time, one of our agents discovered a Fisher Price See ‘n Say toy — you know, the ones where you pull a handle, the thing spins, and when it lands,” FBI Jr. Assistant Deputy Director Mitch Kohldkohk told reporters just moments ago, “it names an animal and then plays the noise it makes? Well, we found one in the break room, where the president’s son Eric had been sitting while his daddy held a meeting with top FBI officials.”
As the agent who found Eric’s See ‘N Say was about to walk it back to the White House for the president and his son, his arm slipped, and the toy fell to the ground, the pull lever activating is it fell. When it hit the ground, nothing broke, but the See ‘N’ Say was still spinning. When it stopped, the agent heard something that Kohldkohk said “raised some areas of concern.”
“It, um, started spewing racial slurs,” our internal, anonymous FBI source told us via Zoom breakout room this afternoon. “It landed on the cute little doggy and instead of saying ‘doggy’ it just said screamed about the n-words should be way more grateful to daddy.'”
Not sure if he had just heard what he heard, or if he had accidentally taken his microdose of magic mushrooms a little too early in his work shift, the agent picked up the See ‘N Say, and pulled it’s handle. Once more, the large plastic arrow in the middle spun around and around, our source told us.
“When it stopped, our guy tells us it landed on the zebra,” we were informed, “but instead of hearing it say ‘zebra,’ it said, ‘Mexicans are drug dealers, rapits, and murderers. Also China purposefully gave the world covid to tank his re-election chance.’ Needless to say, all of this was very concerning to our agent, so he brought the toy down to the lab, to have them give it a look-over.”
While this story was being prepared for publication, a late-breaking development occurred. White House Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick walked out to the White House lawn, unmasked, and spit four large, green “loogeys” at the press, before making a brief announcement.
“Hi. I’d like to remind you all that because our strong, patriotic president wanted to show the world how NBD-style covid is,” McDitzydick began, “a total crap-ton of us got it, and I personally just got over covid. But don’t worry! I am Totes McGlotes cured or whatever. Also, I’m not contagious anymore, and I can’t give it to you our whatever, so those are just regular-ass loogs I just horked at your bitch-media-asses, which you deserve for always asking us questions and crap.”
McDitzydick turned around, pointed her rear toward the media, and passed wind.
“That was you. You all farted. Write it accurate,” McDitzydick demanded. “Point is, I did NOT just try to give you all covid, so don’t even think or write that.”
There was a long, awkward moment while Barbie stood quietly and watched each reporter quietly but politely process smelling her fart that she’d just farted.
“Yes. Good. Smell it. Take it in. YOUR farts, that you just farted, out of your asses, not mine,” McDitzydick insisted. “Ruminate on it. Meditate, even. You deserve it, and you know you do.”
Another long, awkward moment passed, and then the Press Secretary made her official announcement.
“The president’s son did in fact leave a Fisher Price See ‘N Say at the FBI headquarters, in the breakroom, shortly before lunch,” McDitzydick announced, “and yes, it does play racial epithets when the handle is pulled. That is because Democrats are the real racists because the KKK. The point is the president will not be shamed for trying to help his son Eric better master the English language more better, by any means necessary.”
McDitzydick would not say if the taxpayers paid for the modifications to the toy that the president demanded once he heard what it sounded like when it arrived at the White House. Trump, according to sources, played with the See ‘N Say for six hours this afternoon, and was quite displeased at the words and phrases it was going to teach Eric.
MORE: Cousin Fucker Says He Wasn’t Fondling His Cousin Fucking Junk No Matter How Much It Looks Like It
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.