WASHINGTON, D.C. — All the hearings had been held. All the votes, for and against her confirmation had been cast. Her oaths had been administered, and by this morning Amy Coney Barrett had been sworn-in and officially installed by Dear President Trump and Sen. Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. But even with all the ducks lined up, even with all the T’s crossed and lowercase J’s dotted, the questioned remained — would she be allowed to show up for work today by her husband?
“Holy shit! She actually made it, right on,” a slurring Brett Kavanaugh could be heard in the Supreme Court breakroom, talking to Justice Alito. “I wasn’t sure if her husband would give her permission to come to work today, but I’m glad he did, because know I can talk to her about that Devil’s Triangle I had in mind for us all to do…you know, the drinking game? Those dildos I had made with their names and my wife’s name and my name on them are totally unrelated. TOTALLY UNRELATED!”
In tears, Kavanaugh stormed out of the breakroom, screaming that he was being treated unfairly by the “Hillary Clintonistas” in the room, though it was just him and Alito in the breakroom at the time.
“You know, when we nominated such a strong woman as Justice Barrett, I think all of us on our side of the aisle were a little worried she’d get to actually do the job,” Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Trump’s Dong), whose judiciary committee ushered Barrett’s way to the full vote on the Senate floor last night, said to reporters today. “So I’m glad that he felt like giving her permission to do her work today. The Bible is very explicit that women should supplicate themselves to their husbands at all times, and needless to say I’m glad that he didn’t have extra errands for her to run this morning.”
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Literal Hell) told reporters that he is “beyond relieved and excited” that Barrett will serve her first full day on the high court.
“Justice Barrett will bring a fresh breath of air and Christian values like punishing people for being poor and taking healthcare away from the sick to the bench,” Cruz said, “and that would simply not be be possible unless her husband was so kind and gracious as to allow her to work.”
Though Barrett was given permission by her husband to work today, there were privisos and a couple of catches to the deal.
“She still has to get home in time to cook dinner, get the kids ready for bed, and give her husband at least a passably handy, but he’s letting her work, so that’s definitely a win for us,” Cruz said further. “Those are all very reasonable requirements, though, and so I expect that Justice Barrett will have no problem fulfilling her duties to her country right after she’s done fulfilling her wifely duties at home.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.