WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the nation’s capital today, a lying sack of shit blond fuckmuppet stood behind a podium, cameras trained on her, reporters hanging on her every syllable, waiting to be allowed to given the chance to perhaps ask her a question. She speaks, this vapid, obsequious, opportunistic, religious zealot, for the President of the United States, as his lying sack of shit blonde fuckmuppet of choice, as it were. Every lie that tripped forth from her perfectly stained lips was designed for and by the president to protect his ego above American prosperity and freedom, and she happened to lie with particular lust and zeal today.
“Okay, so like, also, let’s not forget that this president was brave enough to pretend this disease was being overreacted to, then to close our borders to China, then to personally witness sixteen trillion illegal Mexicans stuffing mailboxes with Democrat-only ballots,” Press Secretary Barbie McDitzydick spewed. “I think before any of you disgusting pieces of human garbage ask me any questions about the president’s so-called lack of planning, lack of leadership, and race baiting, you should ask yourselves why you hate America, and why you think nuns should have to get gay married to your far-left agenda of abortion in elementary school classrooms, which we all know is what Joe Biden would force on us.”
At times, it became nearly impossible for the reporters in the room, or the microphones recording the sound, to differentiate between McDitzydick’s words and a fart or a splattering of literal diarrhea exiting an anus at terminal velocity. Keen observers noticed that as she lied more and more, the crucifix around her neck turned upside down, and her eyes seemed to develop a reddish inner-glow. Hours after the briefing, analysis showed Secretary McDitzyDick spoke at a speed three times as fast as a nuclear-assisted DeLorean time machine would need to travel back in time and convince the president’s mother to stick a flaming cross in her vagina instead of his father’s racist dick.
“Also? Why is Nancy Pelosi getting her done during a pandemic? Shouldn’t she be helping her country heal by doing whatever it takes for the president to ignore how many thousand people died from COVID today,” McEnany asked. “We all know this is Obama and Biden’s fault for illegally spying on Dear President’s campaign with spycrowaves and stuff! I’ll just remind everyone that there was no COVID until President Obama left office. All eight terrible years he was in office? No COVID. He leaves, and four years later? COVID. Coincidence? Suck my cock, coincidence!”
It was a half-hour press conference, during which McEnany played footage of klan rallies behind her, and the footage was to “remind everyone the real racists are Democrats who started the KKK decades ago” and “not the current Republicans joining it.”
“What I think is a tragedy, Jim,” McDitzydick sneered at CNN’s Jim Acosta, “is that you’re over here asking questions about a 17 year old homicidal white nationalist when black athletes are out there kneeling before games. I mean, this is just like when the president retold the the story he was told about a plane full of officially-licenced AntiFa merchandise and you all mocked him! You tell ME which is more offensive to REAL Americans, Jim. White nationalist terrorists or black athletes, JIM? You tell me. You fucking cunt.”
The room got very quiet.
“No, I didn’t call you a fucking cunt, Jim,” McDitzydick said even though no one had asked her if that’s what she said because it was very obvious what she’d said. “Clearly when Fox News and OANN play back this briefing everyone will hear me unmistakably say, ‘I love Jesus Christ, our lord and savior,’ Jim, you lying cunt.”
McDitzydick pulled out a massive twenty-five ring binder from under the podium, shoving her standard binder out of the way as she did. The three-ring binder fell to a thud, its jam-packed contents exploding outward. McDitzydick scoured the contents of the much larger binder on top of the podium, turning page after dizzying page until she found the one she’d been looking for.
“And finally, let me just conclude by reading a list of names of people that Hillary Clinton may or may not have killed with her own two bare hands,” McDitzydick said, “and those crimes would be pardoned by President Joe Biden, believe me, folks.”
McDitzydick was still reading names from the phone book as reporters were filing out of the briefing room, once they figured out she was going to be there for awhile.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.