UPDATE: Ann Coulter Still a Horse-Faced Racist Cuntrag

Ann Coulter, conservative author and race war agitator, is still officially considered a “horse-faced racist cuntrag,” according to internationally accepted laws and standards governing such classifications. According to a press release sent just moments ago from the International Cuntographical Association confirmed that Coulter has a horse face and is also a racist cuntrag.

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“It’s really actually very simple. I do not know why you guys always make us spell out our classification standards for you,” Dr. Suzette Gilmour, Chief Media Officer for the ICA, told reporters during a press conference about the release, held this afternoon. “But just to reiterate — if you are both horse-faced and a racist cuntrag, you qualify for Horse-Faced Cuntrag classification status.”

This morning, Coulter tweeted her support for the 17-year old white nationalist Thin Blue Line supporter who took an AR-15 semi-automatic rifle across state lines into neighboring Wisconsin this week, ultimately using it to shoot three protesters. Two of Kyle Rittenhouse’s victims have already died. The condition of his third victim is unknown by this outlet at the time of publication.

In her tweet, Coulter quoted a fan account that said it wanted “Kyle Rittenhouse as my bodyguard,” and added, “I want him as my president.” We had to screen capture Ms. Coulter’s tweet because it was deemed to violate Twitter’s terms of service for glorifying violence and was hidden.

“We were contacted by well over 200 individuals this morning when Ms. Coulter sent the tweet. As you may recall, our institution was founded solely for the purpose of determining whether she is a horse-faced cunt,” Gilmour said. “Many people have noted, over the years, how superior she seems to think her race’s genes are, yet how horribly weird and equestrian her own lilly white genes have made her. So in 1997 we founded the ICA just so we could put the whole question of whether Ann Coulter is a horse-faced cuntrag to bed.”

In its entire history, Gilmour divulged, the “data has never proven [Coulter] to be anything but a horse-faced cuntrag.”

“But, she’s also tested positive for being a Skeletor Looking Nazi Skank, a Leather Body Bag Full of Racist Breitbart Headlines and Confederate Cum,” Gilmour said, “and a Grade A Cuntasaurus Rex in a Klan Robe. So we always make sure to run another series of tests, just in case there’s something new to note for the record. Without a doubt though, until the day she draws her last, bigoted breath on this planet, Ann Coulter will be a racist cuntrag with a horse face.”

Gilmour paused.

“And at that point the ICA will probably start tracking Coulter’s millennial clone, Tomi Lahren,” Gilmour said, shuddering. “I just hope I die before it becomes my job to read or listen to what Tomi says.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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