ISIS Thanks White House for Successfully Radicalizing Kyle Rittenhouse

SYRIA — The terror organization known as ISIS has issued a brief statement in the wake of the murder of two people and serious wounding of another at the hands of a radicalized white nationalist teenager in Kenosha, Wisconsin.

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ISIS’ letter is addressed to President Donald Trump and his administration, and it thanks them for “so thoroughly and completely radicalizing” Kyle Rittenhouse, the Kenosha gunman, who armed with an AR-15, crossed state lines from Illinois into Wisconsin and headed into demonstrations and protests over Kenosha police officers firing seven rounds into an unarmed black man’s back. The ISIS letter says that they realized after reading reports that Rittenhouse had attended MAGA rallies and was an outspoken supporter of Trump’s, that the White House had “gotten him from zero to terrorist” in a very short time.

“We also understand the pleasures and advantages of radicalizing the youth. The younger you can snare them,” the letter reads at one point, “the easier it is to make their impressionable minds up for them. Masterfully done, Mr. President.”

While it was later revealed that Jacob Blake had a knife in his car, it is literally impossible for the cops who shot him to have known that knife was in his car, and also highly unlikely he would have tried to attack multiple officers with firearms with that knife. The unrest in Kenosha comes after a summer of protests all over the country over the murder of George Floyd, another unarmed black suspect, killed by an officer’s knee on his neck for almost nine full minutes. According to videos of Rittenhouse, he was in Kenosha to perform the duties of an armed vigilante militiaman, protecting stores he didn’t own in a town he didn’t live in.

Rittenhouse ended up killing two people and wounding a third with his AR-15. Rittenhouse is 17 years old, and it is illegal for someone under 18 to possess a gun. His social media posts show that Rittenhouse was an avid supporter of law enforcement, and it’s been revealed that he was in the front row of a Trump rally back in January. The president has been trying to frame himself as the “law and order” president in the face of the riots and protests this summer, and many believe he has encouraged and stoked fear and terror among his base about it all.

In ISIS’ letter, they commend Trump for “radicalizing a 17 year old to the point of inspiring him to seek out and murder Americans with a semi-automatic rifle.” ISIS said that it shows they and Trump “might share some of the same goals, ironically enough.”

“Dear Mr. President Trump,” ISIS writes, “we hope this letter finds you in fine, pussy-grabbing spirits! We just wanted to take this opportunity to helping us out. After all, our goal is to kill Americans, and apparently, that’s your goal too, so long as the Americans getting killed wouldn’t be voting for you in the first place. While we, of course, want to see all Americans killed, we’ll settle for someone who’s at least half on our side!”

ISIS says that they “try not to discriminate between domestic or foreign terrorists.”

“Because at the end of the day, they’re both killing Americans, and isn’t that what we’re all here to do,” ISIS asked. “It just saves us so much money in payroll to have Americans killing Americans. Bravo! Clearly, you’re into killing Americans too, based on your response to COVID-19. Well done on that, by the way, sir.”

President Trump, perhaps surprisingly, did not react negatively to ISIS’ letter.

“I think it’s great any time someone praises me. Why shouldn’t they? I’m so good at what I do, literally everything,” Trump said, “that I get praise from people all the time, even for things I didn’t realize I was doing, like with that nice young man.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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