Lying Sack of Shit Hired By Network Full of Lying Sacks of Shit

NEW YORK, NEW YORK — While many conservatives in the media will trash talk “New York city liberals” and “coastal elites,” it doesn’t seem like a whole lot of them mind working for massive corporations based in New York. One such famous conservative just announced today that she would be joining Fox News, based in Manhattan, transitioning from being a lying sack of shit in the public sector to being a lying sack of shit in the private one.

“I’m, like, so super-duper pleased to be joining the absolute cavalcade of mendacious misanthropes here at Fox,” former White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany told Harris Faulkner this morning, “because it’s one thing to lie on behalf of the president, but it’s another to be making a shitload of money doing it, and on TV every single day! When I worked for Trump administration, we’d go days without doing press events because we were scared shitless of having our own words and actions used to hold us accountable. Now, I can put my plastic, clown makeup face on TV whenever I want, basically.”

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Even though she’s “extremely stoked” to join Fox News, McEnany said she still has “some reservations” about her new gig.

“Will I know how to act in a professional environment where boss doesn’t throw McDonald’s food at me when he’s mad? I don’t know,” McEnany conceded. “I’m most worried about standing out from such a strong field of lying sacks of shit. This place is lousy with them!”

Fox News human resources has confirmed that for the first weeks, McEnany will shadow Tomi Lahren, and after that she’ll study under Frau Lolo Ingraham.

“We have no doubt that Kayleigh will be able to hit the airwaves completely and utterly full of shit,” Fox News said in a statement, “and we look forward to the baseless accusations and conspiracy theories she pretends to be facts that Kayleigh will bring to her work.”

Update: Stephen Miller is Still a Bald, Racist Cunt

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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