Matt Gaetz Tells CPAC He Won’t Let Trump ‘Pull Out Until He Finishes’

A visibly evident and olfactorily confirmed drunk Rep. Matt Gaetz (Q-FL) slurred and stammered his way through a long-winded speech today during the 2021 CPAC conference.

The Conservative Political Action Conference is an annual confab of the country’s loudest and proudest conservative figureheads and politicians. This year there is even more anticipation than usual because it will mark the first chance former, one-term, twice permanently impeached President Donald “Toadstool Dick” Trump will speak publicly since being chased out of office on January 20th.

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Gaetz whipped the crowd up, toasting them with glasses of scotch he kept pulling out from behind the podium. During one extended segment of his speech, Gaetz turned his attention to Trump. He told the CPAC crowd that he believes Trump will run and win again in 2024, and he plans to “do everything possible” to convince the former president and current fat fuck sitting on big stupid ass amateur golfer to do exactly that.

“Waid-a-minute! Waid-a-minute! Shh! Shhhhh! Shhhhhuttt the fuckup,” Gaetz slurred. “Lemme just tell you fucks one thing right now. An’ I fuckin’ mean, okay? Okay? OKAY! Dom-uld Trump’s gonna run and win ’24, and I won’t let him pull out until he finishes what he began five years ago!”

Gaetz hefted another, somehow full glass of scotch and dumped it down his throat.

“FUCK YEAH! MAGA BABY! Trump’s gonna finish all over us,” Gaetz said. “I love it when Don finishes, and he ALWAYS finishes! Just ask Ivanka! Let’s do this fuckin’ shittttt, fam!”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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