WASHINGTON, D.C. — There was a brief scare during White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany’s briefing earlier today when the crucifix she often wears around her neck suddenly burst into flames.
“Okay, so, I’m really glad you brought up that point, Jim,” McEnany was telling Jim Acosta, “because the fact is that this president is the hardest working man to ever sit in the Oval Office.”
McEnany’s cross began to glow orange at this point. She noted that it felt “a little warm to the touch,” but kept on speaking.
“President Trump works tirelessly. When you bring up his golf trips, let me just say this,” McEnany explained, “he is still working out on the golf course. He’s definitely not just waddling around, flailing wildly, and cheating all day long. HE IS WORKING.”
A little spark shot out from the top of the cross around her neck, causing McEnany to stop for a second, her eyes widening.
“Huh, that was weird, huh? Anyway, President Trump hasn’t given up on actually fighting COVID-19, Jim,” McEnany said, “and he’s definitely not trying to cast doubt on the election already because he knows he’s going to lose in historic fashion.”
Now, a small flame started started to appear from the cross, but McEnany pressed on.
“And just for the record, he totally cares about people other than himself, okay,” McEnany said, “Donald Trump is a decent man who acts selflessly and has given this country great leadership. He also does not want to fuck his own daughter – ”
That’s when the cross around Kayleigh’s neck burst completely into open flames. Fire crews quickly entered the room and smothered the press secretary. Reportedly, she suffered no burns because demons are immune to fire. In Heaven, Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice-President of Holy Trinity, Inc., was holding a press conference and was asked by afterlife reporters about what had happened to McEnany’s cross.
“Well, bearing false witness breaks one of Dad’s commandements, you see,” Christ explained, “and bearing false witness is just a fancy-pants way of saying lying. Considering that woman lies like most people inhale, I’d say she’s lucky it didn’t burst into flames weeks ago.”
Christ said that McEnany “is as Christian as her boss is a billionaire.”
“In fact, the more that I think about it, this woman shouldn’t be wearing a cross, or doing anything that remotely labels her a Me-Stian,” Jesus said. “She is part of an administration that not only doesn’t treat immigrants well — something I specifically told humanity to do — they kidnap brown babies! How does this Nazi bee-atch think she remotely displays my values? Get bent, Barbie McDitzyDick.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.