Mattel Releasing “Nazi Press Secretary Barbie”

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA — Just in time for Christmas shopping, the makers of Barbie — a long-running toy line — have announced that there will be a new limited edition doll to hit shelves sometime soon.

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“We couldn’t possibly be happier to announce that this fall, Nazi Press Secretary Barbie will be released for retail,” Carol Killstein, Mattel’s Junior Assistant Media Director, told investors today. “Modeled after famous lying Nazis of both the past and present, we hope this doll will sell well in certain, shall we call them ‘red’ states.”

Killstein said that the new Barbie doll is based at least in part on White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.

“Kayleigh has the whole package. Looks, an Ivy League degree,” Killstein said, “and she’s a lying Nazi cunt. She supports Nazi policies like kidnapping ethnic babies from their parents and stuffing them into concentration camps. If anyone personifies the whole idea of a Nazi Barbie, it’s Kayleigh.”

However, the doll was also inspired by “another famous lying Nazi stooge.”

“We made sure to give this new Barbie a few features that harken back to another famous lying Nazi stooge,” Killstein explained, “by the name of Joseph Goebbels.”

Killstein acknowledged that it could “appear problematic at best” for Mattel to start selling Barbie dolls that wear Nazi symbols. However, she said that the company will not benefit from the sales, and in fact all proceeds will be donated to various groups that fight hate speech, racism, and white nationalism.

“Sure, this is weird, I guess, on some levels. But let’s get real,” Killstein explained, “what in the hell is actually normal about the times we’re living in? We have a D-list reality TV conman as a president. We’re in the middle of a global pandemic that he doesn’t seem at all capable or interested in fighting. So, fuck it, right? Fuck it.”

A press release from the White House says that McEnany is “bigly honored” by the new doll and that she plans to have one prominently displayed in her office so that all who visit her can see it.

“Press Secretary McEnany ist sehr geehrt by this news,” the press release states, “and she freut sich auf displaying one prominently in her office, so that all who come and besuch her can see it, and heap the praise on her that she so richly deserves.”

This is not the first Trump-adjacent product Mattel or one of its subsidiaries has developed or released in recent months. As we reported last month, Hasbro — a company owned by Mattel since 2018, is set to debut a version of one of its most famous products, the boardgame “Monopoly,” but with a new, Trumpian twist.

“You don’t lose if you run out of money,” Hinkley said, “in fact, you win. Because this version allows you to file for bankruptcy and just restructure your debts in a way where you don’t ever really have to pay them and the costs are just passed along to the regular, not rich customers of the banks.” (PGC)

Nazi Press Secretary Barbie will hit shelves by the end of September, Killstein said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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