Trump: “I’ve Done More For the Blacks Than Any Other President Who Also Called Them The Blacks”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump and his team seem to believe, earnestly, that he has been a larger force for positive change in the African American community than most other presidents before him. In fact, on some days, one can catch him placing himself above Abraham Lincoln — the first Republican president and the man who emancipated the southern slaves during the Civil War — in that regard.

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During his recent interview with Axios’ Jonathan Swan — an interview widely deemed as a catastrophe and public relations nightmare — Trump was asked about civil rights icon Rep. John Lewis (D-GA). Trump did not attend Lewis’ recent funeral, despite every living former president either attending, or in the case of Jimmy Carter sending a written message to be read during the service. Presidents Carter, Bush, and Obama all spoke at Lewis’ funeral, but Trump didn’t even attend.

When asked about the situation, Trump stammered a bit, explained that Lewis didn’t attend his inauguration, and then pivoted to touting his own record when it comes to African Americans. Despite weeks of civil unrest and protests of the killing of an unarmed black suspect exposing just how deep the racial wounds still are in the country, Trump continued to attempt a positive spin on his administration’s efforts. Trump criticized Lewis for not attending his inauguration and then made the claim about how much he’s done “for black Americans.”

This afternoon, Trump was reportedly “feeling antsy and blue” about how things have gone thus far this week, and convinced the Secret Service to take him for Happy Meals at the local McDonald’s. Trump announced as he strode out onto the White House lawn that he was awaiting Marine One being prepared, and then he’d be flown to the McDonald’s, which he insisted install a helipad upon his swearing-in, back in January of 2017. While he paced and farted while trying not to look like he was farting, the president agreed to answer some questions about his interview with Axios.

“First of all, that reporter was really mean and nasty to me. He did this really mean, really nasty thing where he asked me a question and then recorded my answer, verbatim,” Trump said. “Fox and OANN, they understand it’s their job to spin my bullshit straw into rhetorical gold. But that Axe Body Spray guy? Not a fuckin’ clue!”

The president paused for an extended moment of thought. At least, the press poll believed he was thinking for a moment. That was before he lifted his right leg, squinted, and forced something one witness described as smelling “like a shit took a shit in a toilet made out of shit in a shit factory on Shit Island.”

“For instance, everyone made a big deal about what I said about John Lewis, right? You remember John Lewis, the urban? Anyway,” Trump said, “I said something, and maybe I should’ve been more careful in my words, but I spoke off the cuff, and the press pounced on an incomplete statement. It’s true, I think. I’ve done more for the blacks than any other president.”

Again, the president paused here, though this time the press was expecting what came next, and were thankful for the masks covering their faces.

“But let me finish! Okay? Let me finish,” Trump said as the reporters began laughing out loud. “I’ve done more for the blacks than any other president who called them the blacks, okay? I’m just saying that among all the presidents who would have thought to call them The Blacks, I’m the best at helping them, okay? Jeesh, what’s so hard to follow about that concept, anyway?”

Trump explained that because there were “many bigly amounts of presidents” that served in the time of slavery, before the Civil War, many likely would have called African Americans “the Blacks.”

“If not worser! I bet they prolly said worser stuff than even I say about them when the cameras aren’t on me,” Trump shouted. “So out of all the racist presidents, okay, I’ve done the best at, you know, being their president too, I guess.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

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