WASHINGTON, D.C. — A nonpartisan coalition of economists has published the findings of an intensive report they conducted, and have concluded that the United States could “pretty easily” fund a universal healthcare program for 400 years just by charging people a dollar to punch Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell in the face.
“There is no smugger a face to be punched in all of Washington, so if you charge a buck to do it, you’ll make a fortune,” Prof. Sherry Lamb told reporters this morning at a press conference announcing the report’s findings.
Lamb is the lead economist who helped the National Foundation and Institute for Fiscal and Economic Studies and Research put the report together. She says that several factors led her team to surmise that funding “virtually any program at all” is possible, simply by allowing people to wind-up and lay a haymaker on Senator McConnell’s “tremendously punchable gob.”
“Every time Mitch complains about the obstruction of Democrats while Neil Gorsuch is on the Supreme Court bench and not Merrick Garland, we estimate his face gets about 2-5% more punchable, in fact,” Lamb said. “When McConnell said that he’d definitely fill a Supreme Court vacancy in the last year of Trump’s term, even though he said he couldn’t do it for Obama, he showed he’s either a partisan hypocrite douchebag or a racist partisan hypocrite douchebag, and on the scale of punchable faces, there’s not much more that puts you on the higher end.”
Professor Lamb doesn’t believe there’s a limit to the kinds of programs that charging people to punch Mitch McConnell in his face could fund.
“You want to give every American citizen a Rolls Royce filled with diamonds? Charge people to punch McConnell in his face,” Lamb said. “You want to pay for every American to go to Harvard and have a million dollar a day blow habit? Charge to punch Mitch. It’s really very simple.”
It’s the law of supply and demand at work, Lamb says.
“There’s a lot of demand to punch Mitch McConnell in the face, so if he’d only supply it, that’s exactly what would happen,” Lamb guesses. “People would line up around a hundred city blocks for the chance to pay a dollar to punch Mitch.”
Lamb says the price could be set higher, but she says it’s “important to give as many customers as a possible” a chance to punch Mitch McConnell in his face.
“Young, old, rich, poor, all of them want the chance to punch Mitch McConell in his smug fucking face,” Lamb said. “So the good news is that you can set the price of admission to the Punch Mitch’s Face-a-thon as low as a single dollar, and you’d make money hand over fist.”
Sen. Majority Leader McConnell’s office couldn’t not be reached for comment, because he was outback fucking his favorite lump of coal, which is the nickname he has for a racist blackface doll his grandmammy gave him as a young fascist tortoise in Kentucky.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.