WASHINGTON, D.C. — A cum soaked Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-The Kremlin) told the American people he’s “sick and tired” of what he calls “baseless smears” and attacks on his “patriotism,” and he’s ready to pull out of the lump of coal he’s been fucking for the last 20 years and fight them.
“These attacks on my patriotism have simply got to cease. I’m sick and tired of these lawless liberal socialists smearing my good reputation with their rude and mean rhetoric,” McConnell, absolutely drenched in semen said this afternoon on his way back to his office. “Just who the hell do these godless, amoral freaks think I am — a black Democrat president they can literally make up whatever horrible things about that they want to? What, do they think there’s some kind of constitutional right to speak truth to power?”
With flecks of jizz flying from his face that looks like what would happen if someone took a misshapen catcher’s mitt and draped loose, rotten cold cuts over it, McConnell assailed the press and Democratic politicians who have called him “Moscow Mitch” because he has allowed his party to block more than one measure aimed at shoring up the election next year. Just hours after former FBI special counsel Robert Mueller warned that Russian attacks on American election systems are ongoing and sweeping, McConnell blocked two bills that would greatly increase election security.
“So what if I’m literally doing nothing to protect our country from attack by a hostile foreign country! Don’t you all remember, Obama once made a joke about Russia, and so that means I don’t have to do anything to protect us,” McConnell said, with a pool of cum puddling at his feet. “These attacks on my character are coming from literal demons who hate America, freedom, and liberty. They probably also murder people for fun and like Nickelback! We cannot be swayed by their so-called facts and truth! We have our feelings, fam!”
By this point, the congealed pool of jizz at McConnell’s feet was too much to ignore, and a reporter asked what it was.
“It’s jizz, next question,” McConnell said curtly.
He was asked whose jizz. McConnell smirked.
“It’s Putin’s, of course,” McConnell said. “I let him jizz all over me. I figured if I’m letting him do it to the country metaphorically, I might as well let him do it literally. He called me up on our little private line we have between one another — all totally legit and cool and definitely not anything to worry about — and asked if I’d mind if he just blew his hot Borscht load all over me. I told him I’m already covered head to toe in his musk in a poetic sense, so I might as well be covered in his man juice in the very literal sense.
Majority Leader McConnell calls it “McCarthyism” to imply that he’s doing Putin’s bidding.
“Sure, the real McCarthyism was accusing people who weren’t communists of doing Russia’s bidding, and I’m definitely doing Russia’s bidding, but if I say words with the right inflection and with that cute little ‘R’ next to my name, our Republican base will believe I know what I’m talking about,” McConnell said, wiping a little bit of Putin’s sticky goop off with a rag and handing it to an aide.
Senator McConnell says he’s “not going to be lectured” by Democrats on loyalty.
“I’m not going to be lectured by people who don’t even love their country enough to sell it out to an autocratic dictator so you can get a tax cut passed,” McConnell said. “Not today, Nancy Jerkmouth Pelosi and Chuck the Fuck Schumer! Not today.”
McConnell says that “being consistent” is a Republican value, and that’s why he let Putin fire his impregnation cannon at him at point blank range.
“It’s a simple matter of being consistent,” McConnell explained, “which of course I wouldn’t expect anti-American commie socialist libtarded Democrats to understand. But do they have to smear me? Do they have to call me names?”
Sensing some growing concern from the reporters, McConell insisted that letting Putin cum all over him is “completely valid and legal.”
“Is there some law on the books that says I can’t cover myself head to toe in the baby batter of a man who attacked our government,” McConnell asked with almost as much incredulity dripping from his voice as Putin’s semen was dripping from his waddle-like chin. “Does it make me a traitor to suck our enemy off, or just a craven, political hack? No, I’m actually asking for reals guys because I enjoy those things but not enough to go to prison for them.”
Reportedly, President Trump was outraged by McConnell’s impromptu press conference.
“How dare he? Is he trying to steal my man,” President Trump was heard shouting at his staff. “Someone get Mitch on the phone and tell him to back off and get his own autocratic dictator to suck off.”
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because they have a definition of hate speech that includes “calling Ann Coulter the C-word.”