WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donaldito Trumpolini gave an address to His nation from the White Power House today, announcing alongside Gestapo Generalisimo Guillermo Barr and FBI Director Christopher Wray, that he was authorizing a surge of federal troops into Chicago, Illinois. President Trumpolini has been threatening the Windy City with a show of force for months, and now it appears he believes he has found the legal authority to do just that, in a new Justice Department process dubbed “Operation Legendary Fascist Show of Force Against People of Color.”
“We were gonna call it ‘Operation Legendary Fascist Show of Force Against the Blacks’,” Trumpolini bragged, “but then Billy reminded me that we’re gonna go fuck with Alboo-cook-re, New Mexico as well as Kansas City, Mow-zoo-ree. ”
The president looked over at Generalisimo Barr and winked. Barr winked back, and made what might be considered a “kissy face” back to the president, but it was so quick that there are conflicting witness reports as to whether or not it occurred. What is not in dispute is that Trumpolini farted loudly before continuing his announcement.
“And I realized, I said to myself, Donny Baby, some of them are gonna be Mexican-ish ones, you know, whatever they call themselves now, Hispanolites or whatever the fuck,
President Trumpolini revealed, “I even hear they got some real, Honest-to-Christ Injuns down there in New Mexico, from what I’m told. I’m told these things. You gotta do a name that don’t single out the blacks.'”
The president stopped for a moment to dig something out of his ear. He wiped whatever it was on the podium and continued.
“The point is, today I am announcing that Operation Legendary Fascist Show of Force Against People of Color is in full-swing, okay, people,” Trumpolini said. “We’re talking, like, a fuller swing than I have on the golf course when I shoot at — AT MINIMUM — eighty below par, every time. So we’re gonna send our agents to Chicago, yes, but also to Al-boy-coy-karoo and Kansas City. And our agents are authorized to use the most brutal of tactics on peaceful people, as if they were clearing out a space so I could do a photo-op…that’s the level I’m talking about here, folks, okay?”
President Trump pulled a bag of M&M’s out of his breast pocket, put them on the podium, and smashed them with his fists. Ten minutes later, they were slightly broken enough to where he could snort them. With a loud sucking of his nostrils, the president cleaned the podium of all M&M fragments, and continued.
“With Operation Legendary Fascist Show of Force Against People of Color, the Justice Department will me, your favorite — and that is soon to be required for you to say whenever you are asked — president,” Trumpolini said, “clean up the streets, and accomplish one thing which I know true Americans, the ones who voted for me, desperately want me to get done…terrorizing a lot of black people. Which is their fault, by the way. Complaining about a little extrajudicial homicide? So gauche! That’s what my mother would call it, by the way, gauche. You and me and the confederates who voted for me would call it ‘uppity,’ but to each their own dog whistle, I always say.”
Senator Ted Cruz (R-Douchebagistan), an avid defender of federalism — the belief that states have a constitutional right to a large amount of autonomy from the federal government — was too busy cleaning the president’s rectal cavity with his toothbrush to comment on this story.
Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.