Ghosts of Elijah Cummings and John Lewis Mistake Jar of Mayonnaise for Marco Rubio

THE GREAT BEYOND — There was a brief but quite ironically hilarious case of mistaken identity reported from the afterlife this morning. Reportedly, two late congressmen, both African Americans and strong champions of civil rights and equality mistook allegedly still-breathing Senator

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The disembodied spirits of the late Congressmen Elijah Cummings and John Lewis, both Democrats, apparently were having a lunch date with each other and catching up at one of the Great Beyond’s most highly-rated sandwich shops, according to Dead Yelp! reviews. When their waiter arrived with a condiment tray, the two men looked at the tray, then looked at each other. Without saying another word, the two burst out laughing.

“Hey, who let Senator Rubio in here? I thought you had to be dead to get in here,” Cummings said, not able to hold back his laughter.

Lewis joined in.

“Well, to be fair Elijah, it’s possible that Rubio’s been braindead for quite some time and we didn’t know about it until we got up here,” Congressman Lewis said. “Still, it is pretty surprising to run into Marco here. I wasn’t expecting to see any Republicans where I was headed.”

The waiter looked around. He couldn’t actually see Senator Rubio anywhere. With a shrug, he set the condiment tray down on the table, and told the two gentlespirits to enjoy their lunch.

“I wonder what Marcos is doing here,” Cummings mused, looking at the condiment tray, “and he is he just standing there, not saying anything?”

Lewis shrugged his shoulders and tried to get Rubio to engage.

“Senator Rubio! SENATOR RUBIO, HELLO,” Lewis shouted.

But Rubio didn’t budge. From what Lewis and Cummings could tell, the Republican Senator was content to just keep standing there. When neither man could figure out why Rubio wouldn’t talk to them, Cummings picked the condiment tray up and examined it a little more closely.

Suddenly, Cummings put the tray down and picked Rubio up, uproarious laughter bursting out of him.

“Oh holy moly! Look at this John! It’s not Marco! It’s just plain ol’ mayo,” Cummings explained, laughter causing tears to stream down his face. “This whole time, I thought Marco was standing there on the tray, and it’s just mayonnaise! White, sloppy, basic-ass-bullshit mayonnaise!”

For a solid six and a half minutes, witnesses report that Cummings and Lewis just simply laughed. Occasionally, they’d need to catch their breath, and they’d slow down, only to catch the jar of mayonnaise on the tray again, and the laughing would start back up. Cummings was fighting back tears of laughter as he spoke next.

“I guess it could’ve been any of ’em, really,” Cummings said. “Now that I get a closer look at it, that mayo could’ve been Ted Cruz, Devin Nunes, Kevin McCarthy, and I’m pretty sure Matt Gaetz’ brain is actually just mayonnaise that was left out in the sun for a few hours. Who could blame us, really?”

Cummings’ joke got Lewis into another fit of laughter.

“Hey Elijah,” Lewis said, pointing at the condiment tray, “can you pass me Marco, please? I like a little extra Rubio on my BLTs.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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