Gaez Blames Cancel Culture for His Inability to Bring a Woman to Climax Even Once

WASHINGTON, D.C. — If there is one thing Congressman Matt Gaetz loathes, it’s sobriety. Another thing he despises is “cancel culture.”

Though many conservatives have a hard time telling the difference between “cancel culture” and “accountability,” the Florida Republican said that he doesn’t “think it matters one way or the other.” For a die-hard loyalist to the previous regime, Gaetz says that he “has no choice but to fight cancel culture tooth and nail.” At a press conference today, Gaetz laid a case for why cancel culture is “the most dangerous threat facing Americans today.”

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“Cancel culture is a pervasive, silent enemy that threatens to destroy everything we love about this country,” Gaetz proclaimed. “It can rob us our freedoms! Much worse, though, it can have deep, serious impacts on your interpersonal life.”

Gaetz then told the assembled reporters about how cancel culture had personally affected his life.

“I have to tell you, this cancel culture thing has gone entirely too far,” Gaetz insisted. “Did you know that I have yet to make a woman cum? Not once! Ever! I have never, ever, ever been able to bring a woman to anything remotely close to a climax, and I ask you — whose fault is that? Is it my fault I couldn’t find a clitoris if it was resting on the bar next to my scotch?”

Gaetz belched, holding back the vomit, but just barely so.

“I think it’s pretty clear here who issss to blame,” Gaetz slurred. “It’s cancel culllchure, Anteefa, and the radical left AOC squad. Without them, I’d prolly be making the ladiez creams their jeans, like, ALL the time.”

In an unforeseen development, every woman Gaetz has ever been personally intimate with signed a sworn affidavit and filed in court today. The affidavit, signed by two different women, states that “in no way, shape or form is cancel culture to blame for Matt not being able to make us cum.”

“Matt couldn’t make us cum if he was a walking, talking dildo,” the affidavit states. “Oh wait, he is that, and still couldn’t make us cum. So anyway, fuck Matt Gaetz. Not that we would ever again.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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