KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — 2022 is not quite two weeks old, and already a handful of famous, beloved celebrities have passed on — and that fact has just landed Larry “God” Schumway back in civil court, the subject of a lawsuit.
Just before the calendar turned over, actress Betty White died. Then, days later Sidney Poitier — the first African American man to win an Academy Award — passed away. Then, last night, the country got a shock when it found out that comedian and actor Bob Saget — Danny Tanner on “Full House” — died in Orlando after a stand-up gig.
Those three deaths are the subject of the new suit filed against God in Los Angeles Superior Court. Attorney Lawrence Lawman told reporters this morning that his client, who wishes to remain anonymous at this time, was “outraged and devastated” that Schumway decided it was time for White, Poitier, and Saget to leave Earth, but didn’t consider taking former one term, twice permanently impeached President Don Trump instead.
“My client just believes that God left one of the most deserving people here on Earth, and took three people who were actually making life better for people instead. It makes no rational sense to my client, and he feels that Mr. Schumway should be held liable in some capacity for his egregiously poor decision making,” Lawman explained.
Even if Schumway never considered taking Trump instead, Lawman’s client believes there were “plenty of other much more misanthropic slices of shit” that he could have gone with instead.
“Like, Steve Bannon’s just out there trying to start a second Civil War and shit, but God’s thinking it’s time for three talented artists to leave Earth instead? Frankly speaking, fuck that, and that’s why my client filed their suit,” Lawman said.
Mr. Schumway issued a brief statement of apology, promised to “do better in the future,” and indicated he’s willing to settle the case out of court.
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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.