Ted Cruz Insists He Can Gargle Tucker and Trump’s Fruit Baskets Simultaneously

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Two days ago, Sen. Ted Cruz (Q-Cancun) described the events of January 6th, 2021 using factual terms that appropriately define what happened that day. Cruz, speaking in a Senate hearing, called former President Don Trump’s failed coup attempt a “violent terrorist attack.”

Almost immediately, Cruz started feeling the wrath of prominent and rank-and-file Republicans, still loyal to Trump. Despite generally taking a tone of condemnation and shock the day of the attacks, most elected Republicans have spent the last year downplaying what happened, Cruz included. However, just a day before the anniversary of the attacks, Cruz unleashed a torrent of abuse on himself, and that abuse was coming from his own side.

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This was not the first or even second time Cruz had used such terms to describe Trump’s insurrectile dysfunction. In the immediate aftermath of the attack, Cruz called it a “despicable act of terrorism and shocking assault on our democratic system.”

In an attempt to save face, Cruz appeared last night on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News program. However, if Cruz was looking to Carlson to save his bacon, he was sorely mistaken. Instead, Carlson took the opportunity to lambast Cruz and threw enormous amounts of doubt on his apology, telling Cruz directly that he didn’t “believe” the Texas Qpublican.

Still reeling from the fallout of his choice to use reality and facts to describe what happened on January 6th, 2021, Cruz once more took to the airwaves of Fox News, and tried again to explain his thinking. Cruz even went so far as to admit that he was “sucking up to” Carlson to “get back on all the MAGA’s good graces.”

“Let me assure the American public — the REAL American public, and by ‘real’ you know what I mean — I have learned where I went wrong. I stopped gargling Trump’s balls long enough to let something truthful come out of my mouth. I can tell you, that will never happen again,” Cruz promised. “I’ve learned my lesson. But, if I should mess-up again, make no mistake, I will come back on Tucker’s show and grovel and beg for forgiveness again, because I have more than enough room in my mouth for Tucker and Trump’s fruit baskets.”

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmannhttp://www.facebook.com/JamboSchlarmbo
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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