Jesus Christ Doesn’t ‘Have Any Fucks to Give’ About the Fox News Christmas Tree

KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This week, Conservative America has been highly focused on what is being described in certain circles as the most egregious attacks in the left’s long-running war on Christmas in quite some time, if not ever.

Just days ago, a man is suspected of lighting the Fox News Christmas tree on fire. Authorities do have a suspect, and he has been released on bond pending his trial. However, Fox News hosts and conservative commentators all over the Internet have been expressing their moral outrage and some Fox hosts have even said setting the Christmas tree on fire was an attack on Christianity, despite a pine tree not being in the Bible’s telling of the birth of Jesus Christ.

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In fact, at a press conference this morning, Jesus Hubert Christ, Vice President of Holy Trinity, Inc., addressed the Christmas tree arson, and largely dismissed it.

“Oh, someone set a fake tree on fire? I can see how that would be the most important story of the day, as long as everyone in your country had a place to sleep, clothes to keep them warm, and food to keep them fed. Otherwise? I don’t have any fucks to give about that Fox News Christmas tree,” Christ said with a hint of laughter in his tone.

Jesus told heavenly reporters that it doesn’t “make any sense” to him for people to be so outraged about a burning Christmas tree when there are “so many far more serious things happening.”

“Firstly, I only saw fig and date palms for the most part when I was down there. I know pine trees smell nice because my dad always insists on having a real tree this time of year; it really makes Heaven smell…well…heavenly. But honestly, dad and I are much more interested in seeing how Tucker Carlson and Sean Hannity keep Christmas the whole year round, and how Christian they are with their money and actions, not so much the words they speak,” Jesus explained.

Jesus suggested that worried conservatives should “put more of their focus and energy into being Christian rather than on being an offended Christian.”

“I’m positive that tree, or at least the property it stands on, is insured. Nobody died. Nobody got hurt. All that happened is some pagan symbol of a holiday that is important to people of many belief systems was burned. Maybe we don’t want to encourage arson, but I really am having a hard time caring about a fake tree burning when real people are starving, destitute, and sick. What do I know, though? It’s just MY birthday after all,” Jesus said.

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Writer/comedian James Schlarmann is the founder of The Political Garbage Chute and his work has been featured on The Huffington Post. You can follow James on Facebook, Spotify, and Instagram, but not Twitter because Twitter is a cesspool.

James Schlarmann
Comedian, writer, semi-amateur burrito wrangler and platypus aficionado, James cannot and will not be pigeonholed by anyone's expectations. Unless you want to pay him money, in which case his principles are as malleable as his "children" are "in need of food." Winner of absolutely zero lifetime achievement awards. You should definitely not give a shit about his opinions. James' satire is also found on: Alternative Facts, Alternative Science, The Political Garbage Chute, The Pastiche Post, Satirical Facts Hire James to create (very likely) funny content.

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